Anybody Still Out There?

Happy New Year

Merry Christmas

Happy Thanksgiving

and every other holiday that has passed since I last wrote.

My intentions were to blog more once the adoption was finalized. I realized how hard it was to blog and post pictures when I couldn't write much about MacKenzie or post any pictures of her. It didn't seem right to leave her out. I hated cropping her out of photos or leaving some of the best ones off because she was in it. So I told myself as soon as the finalization happens, I will post more again. But then I had completely gotten out of the habit of posting, so that of course didn't happen. Well I would like to say that my New Year's resolution is to post more, but it isn't. I hope to. But I going to focus more on spending time in the Bible, spending more quality time with my family and growing patient as I parent and teach my kids at home. I would love to write more. It is kind of a journal online. But I know it won't be my priority.

But today I AM blogging. So here goes...

MacKenzie's finalization did happen in November. We are so grateful! Thank you to all who prayed. The relief that was felt when we walked out of that courtroom was huge. A seven year old knows when she doesn't share the same last name with you. She notices when the social workers come to check on things because she doesn't legally belong to you. And she notices when you say that you are the foster mom to the nurse in the hospital, because legally that is what you are and for insurance purposes it has to be straight. So when it is adoption day it isn't just a relief that we don't have to answer to the county anymore. We invited a few friends to celebrate with us at the courthouse and afterwards with dinner.

A couple of days after MacKenzie's adoption we headed to Death Valley National Park to camp over Thanksgiving. It was so freeing to be able to leave town without calling the social worker and to get to go into Nevada without having to have a judge approve of it. We had a good time. I didn't realize how beautiful a place with the word "death" in its name could be but it sure was.

We are continuing to learn how to navigate through life with prenatal alcohol exposure. The charter school that we are working with is absolutely wonderful. They have set us up with speech therapy and occupational therapy for Drew. He goes every other week for both of those and then daily I work on things at home with him. The special ed teacher guides me along as I teach Drew at home, offering wonderful support and encouragement. Every other week we see a psychologist. She is working to help Drew with his rages. I am not sure if it is helping, but I do feel like it is helping Jathan and I know how to handle him better. We still have really, really hard days and sometimes the bad spells go on and on. But God continues to give us respite through other people or just Drew having calm days himself. Parenting Drew is a new world. We fight daily with figuring out what does he have control of that is sin and he needs to work on, an obedience issue and what is something that he has no control of. We had a glimpse at how the wiring in his brain messes up when one evening he couldn't remember his own sister's name. It saddened us greatly, but I think it was good for us to see. It truly is an invisible disability. Drew looks completely normal. And when he is around other people, most of the time he can act completely normal. Even for Jathan and I, we have to remember the brain damage. I am seeing it more and more with school. But it is so hard when his frustration results in raging. Which it can so often do. It is hard to focus on helping him when it feels like he is verbally abusing me. Yet it isn't Drew saying these words. But when we can get him down from a rage and we have to do it, he cannot calm himself down, he is broken. God is sanctifying us, but I have to admit, I feel like I fail more times than I succeed. I break more times than I care to admit. So we are constantly on our knees. We came to a point in December where we had tried everything from nutrition to psychologist but were only seeing things get worse. So we went back to the psychiatrist we had seen at the beginning of the year. The result is that Drew is now starting on meds. I have to admit that I struggle with this. I feel like maybe I failed somehow. I am one that does not like to take medicine for anything. But our home had become a place of constant tension where we were constantly walking on eggshells so we wouldn't set Drew off. Quite honestly it was not a pleasant place to be for any of us. So when we went into the office, the doctor acknowledged all we had tried and said that maybe it was time. I walked out relieved, scared and feeling a bit defeated. We are going slow, continuing all that we did before, because we do not want this to be long term. Are we getting results, it is hard to say yet. The dose is so low. I stop and think so often, what am I doing to my son. At the same time he is miserable himself, feeling completely out of control. We can most certainly use your prayers if you think of us.

I went more into detail than I planned on, but then again if you follow the blog and really want to know how things are going, you need to know the background. I am reminded daily of God's love for me. I don't deserve it at all. But his son, Jesus Christ, purchased my forgiveness and Christ's righteousness covers me. I am in awe when I think of the work that was done on the cross. Christ conquered sin. His work is finished. And God is still working in me.

We Have a Court Date

We met with the paralegal today and were given the official court date and time.

Friday, November 18 at 3:00

We praise God that it did not have to be pushed back anymore. Two more weeks and she is legally ours!!!

Thank you for praying!

Hoping for November 18

Well the last word on the finalization of "M" is that it will be on November 18. The time frame has changed a few times, once thinking this date but then given hope that it would happen before school started, then that changed to Sept/Oct. But now this is the date given. Or at least what they are striving for. I would love it if you would pray with us that it happens on that date and not pushed back. It may not seem like a big deal since we have her, but it does mean a lot to a little girl who knows that her last name is still different and legally still a foster child.

So please pray that it will happen on November 18th.

What If I've Done it All Wrong?

I read an article today by Lisa Qualls from One Thankful Mom. The article was called What If I've Done it All Wrong? It was a very encouraging article and if you've adopted children from hard places or if you know anyone who has and would like to understand them better, I encourage you to read it.

I have recently struggled with knowing the hard place that "M" came from and wanting so badly to help her heal. I have read books, watched videos, seen countless articles and been told what to do. As I read, I can see the struggles she has and know how I should react. But I don't react that way. If I looked in the mirror I would be horrified of the face that I am making, I wouldn't speak to a friend in that tone of voice. What happened to what I learned, to my plan on how to handle the lying, the authority struggle, the fussing? Where is the compassion that I thought I had when we began our pursuit of adopting from hard places? I am not helping her heal this way.

The article came at the perfect time. There is forgiveness. But I do need to do better. I covet your prayers for our family as we seek healing for "M". It can only come from God and we need his help.

Not the news I wanted

I received a letter from our social worker a couple of days ago. She had talked to the social worker in charge of our finalization. She sent me a list of the paperwork that was left to be done and the date that the other social worker was giving the court for finalization. She told me earlier in the month that the dates he gives court are usually very accurate. So with anticipation I skimmed the form and found "date of finalization" which read: 11/19/11. Oh, my heart sank. I knew that it would not be early spring, but at least early summer! I haven't broken the news to "M" yet. She is so anxious to be adopted. I know that there will always be a bit of uneasiness until it is official. Why, oh why does it have to be that far away. The only thing left to do is his part which is a child study (whatever that is). But as I have heard before, there are others that have waited longer. At least we have her, so to me there really isn't going to be too much of a difference, but to her, it is a huge deal.

Adoption Finalization Update

I have had a few people ask when we will finalize "M". I sure do wish I could tell you, but since I really don't know, I can't. What I do know is that we just met with one of our social workers. This social worker is the one that does our monthly visits and keeps in contact with us. She let me know that the social worker who is in charge of our homestudy and finalization has a list of families he is working on to finalize and we are #10 of 30. She was encouraged saying she thought that the families before us would finalize in the spring, so drawing conclusions maybe late spring or early summer. Here's hoping. It is a better projection than the last one which was by the end of 2011.

We aren't sitting around doing nothing though. If you have ever adopted, you know that sitting around and doing nothing is hard. We are getting new TB tests, getting our CPR up to date and getting statements of health for our other kids. The former two have or will soon expire, so it is nothing new to work on, just keeping current. The latter was a new thing to complete. When we were working with a private agency, I remember taking the CPR class for the second time in the process and feeling very discouraged. A year in and no prospect of a child. At least this time around we have our girl!

Before Our Trip Continues

I know that my story of our trip out East has taken a long time. I still have only covered the first stop of our multi-state excursion, and we have been home a month. But that month has been full, so here are just some random things going on in our lives...

1) Most of the first two weeks after we returned home was getting ready for school. As a Homeschool Mom, every year is different and new to me, but this year especially is new and different. First, the younger two joined a charter school. "M" had to in order for me to school her at home and Drew did because I thought I could use some help with him. So this involves learning a new system and having other people involved in the schooling. The benefits are a huge amount of resources and help if we need it. So we are testing the waters with it. I didn't want to enroll all kids before I knew what we were getting into. There are some potential down sides, so we will see. Another difference this year is I went from 2 students to 4. I am still getting use to arranging my day in order to have individual instruction time with each. It is a bonus that they are close in age (grades K, 1st, 2nd and 3rd), I have combined a few subjects.

2) We had "M's" birthday. She is now 6. So instead of two 5 year olds, we have two 6 year olds, atleast until the end of October when Clay will turn 7, then we will have every age between 5 and 8. Our family has a policy that you get a party on your odd birthday and do a fun family thing on your even birthday. However, this being "M's" first year with us, we decided to have a party. So we had a Mexican Fiesta. It was a bit of work, but I think all had fun. I think we had close to 20 kids.

3) School started. Of course that goes with #2. So far, so good. We are 2 weeks in, just 34 to go! No really, I am enjoying it, a lot.

Our family is still adjusting, although, I think we are adjusting well. A few weeks ago we had our monthly meeting with the social worker and I met with the CASA worker. It brought back the realization that "M" is still not legally ours. It is hard sometimes remember that. I can't imagine our family without her, we are to the point, that honestly it is hard to remember life with out her. So as you think of us, continue to pray. It isn't over until the adoption finalization, that could still be months. Well that is all for now, I think I will post some more vacation stuff.

Checking In

I didn't intend to go 12 days without updating this blog. But due to a variety of reasons, one being that I can't seem to find 5 minutes to do anything except the absolute necessities, it has taken 12 days to update. I began this post this morning. And it is now 10 pm. And this is as far as I got. I imagine you are feeling very informed on what is going on in our household, huh? But that is life right now. So I will try to give a quick update.

We are doing well.
We are adjusting and I believe that it is going well.
It is going well, but it is still hard, harder on me than I thought it would be.
"M" seems happy, so I am grateful for that (and I know that parenting is NOT about making your kids happy, but I am glad that she is happy in our home).

You can continue to pray for
-adjusting
-discipline
-the affects that this addition has had on the other three kids
-all the extras that having a foster child brings (appointments, etc.)
-bonding
-family time and Mommy and Daddy time

Well like I said, it is 10 pm, and I think I am going to bed. We are going to the zoo tomorrow morning, and I have several things to do in the morning before we head out, so I need a bit of sleep.

Good night!

I'm Still Here

Just wanted you to know that I am still around, in case you were wondering.

There is so much to write, I really don't even know where to begin. And to even know what to share.

We are adjusting. It is taking work, but we are making it. I am very tired, physically and emotionally. But God is good.

I believe that the transition is going well. Adding a 5 year old with that many years of different upbringing and baggage, isn't easy, but I believe that God is giving us the grace that He knows we need. I am declaring my dependence on Him and He is faithful.

We would appreciate your prayers as you think of our new addition. Because of other things going on in our church, Jathan has been very busy. That has been difficult for me, but God knew what was going on when He timed it this way, and His timing is perfect.

"M" is Here!!!

The good news is "M" is here. We picked her up this morning, signed all the paperwork and then headed to Applebees for lunch. I wish I could post pictures, but I can't :(

The not so good news is in the 90 minutes we have been home I have interceded in several arguments, sent one child to his room which resulted in screaming and banging on the door (unfortunately this behavior isn't too uncommon from him) and have another that is upset with the two that are playing and is now in her room because she doesn't want to be with them. That leaves 2 left to play together, hopefully they are playing nicely.

I know that there are going to be disagreements between four children within a three year age span, but I am hoping that this is due to the unusual day and not going to be the norm.

Let's hope and pray!

Placement Info

Here is the official (unless it changes again) date and time for placement.

Tomorrow (Friday) at 10 am.

We will meet at the foster home, sign papers and "M" will come home with us. This time I won't have to take her back!!!

This is a quick update cause I have lots to do today, because tomorrow we will be a family of 6!

The Latest on "M"

I was hoping to have a definite placement date to share, but I am still waiting to hear from the social worker. I was told I would hear by today, but I know that things are busy.

We had a great weekend. Not problem free, but it was really good. I felt like having the whole weekend not just 24 hours made a huge deal. There was definitely more bonding with it. We took "M" to church which went very well. We have a Sunday School class before the "big service" as we call it, but the kids are all in the "big service" with the adults. So I was a bit nervous on how she would do sitting still for that long. I called Gloria to ask her to sit with me just in case I needed some help. Since Jathan is up in the pulpit, I am on my own. Usually it is fine, but recently I have had a few issues with Drew during the services and not knowing how "M" would do, I wanted to make sure that I had back up. But all went very well. I believe this was her first time in church, so there were many questions about how Jesus died on the cross and how big God is. It was a big reminder of the job God has called us parents to do. Sometimes, being a stay at home mom, I feel like I don't do enough in God's kingdom, but this weekend was a reminder of the mission field in my own home. Anyway, back to the weekend. Sunday afternoon as we were getting ready to leave to take her to her foster family before our evening service, she began to cry saying that she didn't want to leave. It took all of the my strength not to break down with her. God has been good to give me the words to say when these new situations arise, I am so thankful. "M" cheered up later and when she arrived at her foster home she was excited to see her foster mom's dogs.

The back and forth has gotten hard on her and us. Paige was sad that night because "M" wasn't there to sleep with her. If you know Paige, she isn't the emotional type so that was a big deal.

After talking to the social worker and letting him know about the weekend and the tears, he agreed that it was time. I was prepared to fight, but I didn't have to, he totally agreed. As of now, the plan is to sign placement papers on Friday and have the actual placement on Saturday. But there are a few people he still needed to square things away with so we are waiting for the official plan. I know it is still going to be hard for her to leave her foster mom. And we are still adjusting too, but I saw God give us much grace when needed this weekend and I know that He will be faithful to continue to give it.

I ask that you pray for the details to work out and everyone's adjustment.

We haven't told her to call us Mom and Dad, but she did on her own refer to both Jathan and I that way a couple of times this weekend. It warmed my heart.

Adoption Update

Well, there really isn't too much to update. More of a checking in. "M" is here for the whole weekend. We still do not have the actual placement date scheduled. A social worker came to the house after I picked her up to check on things. It was a friendly visit to introduce herself (she is new working on the case) and to meet "M" and our family. I am to call the social worker on Monday to let them know how the weekend went and to schedule placement. The process has slowed down a bit because they want her to finish school. That will next week. It seems silly to move her with one week left.

I was happy when I got to her foster mothers and "M" said in a very excited voice "I get to stay with 2 nights this time!!!"

The kids went with me to pick "M" up and on the way back to our house she told Clay that she was going to marry him. Clay is one that likes to set the facts straight. So he says to her "If we adopt you then you will be my sister and we can't get married. And anyway, it is the boy's job to ask the girl to marry him, but he first must ask the parents of the girl, then he would ask the girl so she can say yes or no." So I guess he has it all figured out.

So we will have her all weekend, including church, then take her back to her foster mother's on Sunday. From there I don't know, hopefully, I will after Monday.

Have a great weekend!

The Days Are Flying

Wow, I didn't realize it has been more than a week since my last post. The days have been crazy, so time on the computer has been a bit less frequent than usual.

Since my last post we have been to the Central Coast and back, the kids were in a play, we had "M" for a night, Jathan did a wedding and now has flown out to Chicago today.

It has been a whirlwind and to be quite honest, I am so totally exhausted, I want to go to bed and it is just 8:30!

But this week is going to be quiet. Jathan will be home in a few days, but while he is gone the kids and I are having an Anne of Green Gables marathon (in addition to school, of course). We have all three DVDs. Even my boys like it. Jathan isn't too sure so we chose to watch while he was a way.

So what is going on with "M"? We had her for an overnight on Friday. Originally thinking we would have her for the entire weekend, we thought it best to keep it as an overnight because of the wedding and not setting her up to fail by running her ragged. It was another good visit. She now knows what our intentions are as she told us that her foster mom said that Paige was going to be her sister and Clay and Drew were going to be her brothers. I am glad that is out. I spoke with her social worker today and we are scheduled for a full weekend visit this coming weekend. Monday we will discuss placement with the social worker.

I would ask that you continue to pray for all of this. There is going to many adjustments, but God's grace is sufficient.

Sweet Dreams

As I tucked "M" into bed for the 2nd or 3rd time, I said "Sweet dreams, sleep tight" and giggling she said "don't let the ..." Somewhere the words got mixed up as she was giggling. So I finished "bed bugs bite."

Wow she is in our house, sleeping in the next room. This afternoon has gone well. I know that there will be adjustments, but that is to be expected. It is still a little weird since she isn't technically placed with us yet, so the relationship that we have isn't the mother/child one that I hope to be working towards soon. But that is in God's hands and in His time.

I'll let you know what the next step is as soon as I know.

Good night and sleep tight!

Finally...

I have been waiting to type this post for a long, long time. So here it goes...


Drum roll, please...


We have been matched with a little girl!!!


Because we are working with the foster system, I cannot post too much identifying information. That will be the case until the adoption is finalized. But what I will tell you is that she is 5 years old. She is actually 6 months older than Drew, so we are mixing up the birth order a little bit, but that is the way it goes. I will refer to her as "M" since I cannot share her name online and unfortunately I cannot post any pictures of her either. However if you come out to visit us, you would be able to see her in person!

Anyway here is the scoop. We learned about a possible little girl on Friday the 16th. We met with her social worker last Thursday and arranged to meet her today. The whole family went to her foster home met her and took her to the park for an hour play date. The next step is for her to come to our house on Tuesday and have a dinner with us. A few days after that on Friday we will get her for an overnight. Then the next weekend if everything goes as planned we will get her for the entire weekend and possibly have placement then. So that is the plan anyway. The play date went well, the kids all got a long well and she wants to be with us again, that is a good sign. I think she is adorable, I wish I could show pictures, but you will just have to take my word for it. Please pray for the transition to go as smooth as possible. And pray that there will be no kinks in the legal process.

What a day it has been. I tend to get very nervous about things like this. I remember the morning I was going to meet Drew for the first time. I felt nauseous. I thought that I was holding up pretty well today despite my nerves. I got up at a decent time and went for a run, I wanted to get school started well, so decided to take a shower during the kids morning break. I have to admit I was pretty sweaty and gross, but wanted to get school off to a good start. So we do our morning devotions, then start our next subject, the morning was relaxed and moving smoothly. Then at 10 after 9, the phone rings, I look at the caller ID and it has my dentists name on it. Oh No!!!! I had a dentist appointment at 9 I suddenly remembered. I picked up the phone and before the receptionist could say anything, I said I totally forgot I am so sorry! She asked if I could still make it in. I said yes, but I haven't even showered. She said that is ok. (she hadn't smelled me though!) So I yell to the kids, get your shoes on and get in the car. I go and brush my teeth, because I wasn't sure if I done that yet, so I wanted to at least have that covered since the rest of me was in no way presentable. We rush to the dentist, on the way get behind a car going 20 mph in a 35 zone, I am dying, but we finally make it. We run in and my hygienist was waiting for me. I started apologizing for being late, for being gross, over and over again. I told her I know that this is not an excuse, but we are adopting and we are meeting our little girl today. She said "well of course your mind is on other things, that is great" I think it got me off the hook. She said she didn't care what I looked like as long as my teeth were clean (thank goodness I did brush my teeth) I had jogged in a baseball cap and still had it on but she made me take it off. My hair was still wet and matted to my head. I cannot believe that I went out like that in public and subjected someone to myself! The kids were great, crammed into the exam room with nothing to read or play with, I was in such a hurry, I didn't grab anything!!! I had thought about this appointment all last week. They called and reminded me on Monday, I knew it was today. When I was running I saw a kid brushing his teeth while walking to school, you would have thought that would jog my memory. (I did think it was bizarre, but it didn't spark me to remember my appointment. Oh what a morning!

It will be a day I will always remember. The day I met my daughter.

Let the Waiting Begin

We are finished with everything... with the nine 3 hour long foster classes, the three 2 hour home visits, the home inspection, the Drug Effected Infant class, the finger printing, the adoption orientation and all of the paperwork.

So now we wait.

To be totally honest, this is the part I struggle with the most. Up until now I was doing something to work towards this adoption, now I just have to wait.

I went to an adoptions meeting tonight and asked how long could I expect to wait knowing that there is no definite time frame and she said usually she tells people 6-12 months, to look at it like a pregnancy. But looking at what the age and races we are willing to accept, to expect 3-6 months. I have to be completely honest, I was disappointed. I know that in the adoption world, that really isn't that long. But this isn't our first try at it either. We began working on adopting our 4th child the end of '07. So I was disappointed. I don't know why but in my mind, I had this hope that tonight she would tell me that she looked over our file today and she had the perfect match just waiting for us. I know that is silly, crazy really, but that was on my mind.

So I will wait patiently. I will wait trusting in the Lord's perfect timing. And when I get impatient or frustrated with the wait (maybe those two are the same thing), I will pray to God giving Him praise and thanksgiving and ask for His strength to keep on in the wait.

Also in the meantime, I have 3 beautiful children that God has already given me to parent. I want to fully invest in them for His glory to train them in His ways. And I will thank God for those three children that He has given Jathan and I.

I will keep you updated on our wait. You can pray for us too on our wait. I know that I can use it!

Found: One Crib and One Mattress

Well God has truly blessed us. This week, I was on crib search. I checked Craig's List, with not too much luck. I also went to a special town sale with my friend, where they had used baby and children's items for sale. They had one crib. And it was $450. For a used crib! I thought that was a little high and a lot out of my price range. That night, as I was once again on Craigslist, I get an email from my friend (the one that I went to the sale with) and she found us a crib. Not just any crib though, a free crib! She had a friend who had given a crib to another friend that didn't need the crib anymore and was getting rid of it, so the friend called the other friend and found out that she hadn't gotten rid of it yet, so she is giving it to us!

Then I just needed the mattress. So here is the dilemma. Do you buy a used mattress that you don't know where it has been? I love buying used, it is just mattresses I am a little scared about. But a new one is a hundred bucks, but what if we don't get a baby and then the crib won't be used and the money would be wasted. But even a used mattress is $25 and that would be a waste too if it isn't used because the child we get is too old for a crib. So what to do? Well, my neighbor calls yesterday afternoon to ask to borrow our bike trailer. So I get the trailer and take it to her. I am in her garage to show her how to hook it up and there against the wall is a crib mattress. I asked, "Is Nolan out of the crib already?" He will be one next week, so I was a little surprised. She said, "No, one of my clients gave me a bunch of baby stuff including the mattress but we didn't need it, do you need one?" I said "Well, actually I was going to ask to borrow it if you are not using it for our inspection." She then said "You can have it, it is a very nice mattress, we just already had one."

Praise God!!!!!

We will get the crib Tuesday, get it set up and call our social worker to come out and look at it so she can put on our file that we can take a child under the age of two! Then we will most likely take it down, because I do not want to look at an empty crib not knowing when or even if it will get filled. But I am praising God for providing in such a neat way.

Home Inspection Update

Well we survived. The nerves got worse as the appointment time approached and then passed and then an hour went by and she hadn't arrived. Jathan finally got a hold of her and she came closer to noon. Still not sure what happened, but it really doesn't matter now anyways.

Our home passed with nothing to change except we need to go ahead and get a crib to be able to accept a placement of a child under the age of 2. Me being the practical one thought that a pack n play would be a fine temporary thing and we could get the crib after we knew that we were in deed getting a child under 2. But we have to have it now. And it has to be set up.

Anyway the inspection was a piece of cake. She was only here about 35 minutes and most of that time was going over paperwork. She didn't even look at the garage, and we worked hard on the garage on Saturday. I kinda wanted to tell her about it, but then I thought it was best to leave it be.

Home Inspection

In two hours we will have our home inspection for our adoption. I don't know why I am so nervous. Jathan thinks I am crazy, a friend that already had hers said it was nothing to worry about. But still, I look around and find that "one more thing" that I need to do. ahh!

So why am I blogging when I have things to do?

To ask you to pray.

So if you happen to read this before or during 10:00 - 12:00 Pacific time, please pray that it will go well.

We are getting close to the end of our licensing process!

Thanks!