Baby Steps

Last week was one of those times when I felt like throwing in the towel with educating Drew.  We worked on math facts, he would need to use blocks for every single problem and still not get it right every time.  After our geography lesson, I asked him some questions and he stared at me blankly like I just asked what the volume of the moon was not in which direction the sun rises.  One evening I confessed to Jathan that I really didn't know what point it was to teach him.  Yes, I know that sounds horrible, even typing that I cringe.  But that is how I felt.  And it wasn't just last week.  There are days that I feel like I am banging my head on a brick wall.  Of course I know causing brain damage in my head is not going to help his.  Information goes in his head, but then I don't know what happens to it after that.  Sometimes it seems to bounce right out.  Other times it sticks, but you never know if he will be able to use it all the time or not. 

You see it is hard to tell what he has learned.  He can know something one day, and every day for a week, but one day it is gone, then it comes back again.  Not just school things either.  A few weeks ago, MacKenzie and I were working on dinner and he asked what we were going to have that night.  I rattled off the list with the last item being kiwi.  He asked with a confused look on his face "What is kiwi?"  MacKenzie held one up and said, these are kiwi.  He still looked a little confused and said "oh".  Now to some that may not sound like an unreasonable question.  But understand that it is the middle of kiwi season here in California, we love kiwi, he loves kiwi, so every week I buy some at the farmers market.  We eat it all the time.  So there is the frustration.  But I can't get frustrated with him.  He can't help it.  In fact, he doesn't like that he doesn't remember/understand things any more than I do.

So we rejoice in the good days, when he does remember or does understand.  And we encourage in the bad.  Yesterday he did a math worksheet.  There were ten problems.  He did them all in his head except one.  (For whatever reason 3+2 gets him everytime.)  I cheered and told him how proud I was of him.  Today, we worked on math again.  We worked on circling the big number and then starting with that number and counting the rest on his fingers.  He was getting it.  I loved watching him work his problems.  He got to 3+2 and said "three is in my head" then he counted (using his fingers) 4, 5 until he had the two fingers help up.  (keep in mind keeping track of his fingers can be difficult too) Triumphantly, he announced the answer was 5.

They are baby steps.  And tomorrow he might have trouble with every problem.  But today we got to see the baby steps forward and rejoice.

Not for the Faint of Heart

That is how I would describe adoption. I want to write a longer post on this soon, but right now, all I can do is remind myself that it isn't for the faint of heart. But my heart is not alone. God called us to this and He has not left us alone.

He

is

with

me

Every. Single. Moment.

Right now my son is screaming in the other room that he wants his Korean family. He says I don't care about him, etc, etc.

I know he doesn't mean it.

It will end like it always does with tears. He will want me to hold him.

But even though I know that. And I know that he is not in his right mind right now.

It still hurts at this moment.

But I am going to choose to turn to the one who heals the broken hearted. Because though it hurts, he is working in me through this.

I thank God for that.

Life in My Body is Hard

This morning didn't start how I had hoped. Last week was harder with Drew. Not the worst week by any means, but hard. We were discouraged thinking about the medicine and how long this bad spell was this going to last this time. Though last night I counted 5 days of no screaming. This week was different than the last, so much better. But then the morning began with screaming.

After time spent using all my learned tactics on how to calm a raging child, I was ready to throw in the towel. Thankfully Jathan was about to leave but hadn't yet. If it is only a 5 minute break, it still helps. So he stepped in, allowed me to breath for 5 minutes, then he had to leave.

I stepped up again.

Finally, Drew settled down and instead of screaming mad, he cried sad.

I held him.

We took relaxing breaths.

Then he says in a defeated tone

"life in my body is hard".

Heart breaks

I try to empathize with him, encourage him, point him to Jesus, assure him of our love for him, remind him he is not alone.

But I don't totally understand. He knows it, he sees my frustration.

Life is hard inside his body.

Legoland California

Legos are a huge thing at our house. An activity that I happily support. You can't go anywhere in our house without finding a Lego piece. Hopefully you didn't step on it barefoot! The Lego magazine was introduced just over a year ago, as well as Lego.com. What a marketing genius. With the magazine came the realization that Legoland is not that far away and even better each issue has a free child ticket with the purchase of an adult full price ticket! The wheels had been turning in their heads on how we can use these free tickets since the children outnumber the adults. But they didn't have to figure for too long because in November, Grandma told them that their Christmas gift was to spend a week down in Carlsbad visiting Legoland. This was a dream come true.

So last month, mom and I drove the kids down (Jathan was able to join us for a couple of days). We spent 3 days at Legoland, a day at the beach and a day swimming in the pool. We had a condo with plenty of space + a kitchen. We had a great time.

I have to admit leading up to the trip I was a bit nervous because we had struggled so much with Drew on past trips. The meds seem to help him, but still you just never know. We packed a stroller to carry water bottles, snacks and lunch. And to carry Drew. He will be 7 next month, and looked way too big for the stroller, but you know what? It helped a huge amount. He cannot distract himself, so when he is tired of walking, that's it. He won't walk anymore without a fight. It doesn't matter what exciting thing we are headed to, he cannot concentrate on anything but how tired he is of walking. So into the stroller he went. I battled in my mind thinking "he is almost 7, we are not asking much of him" "He can physically do this, there is no reason he has to be in the stroller" "Are we making it worse by enabling him?" But at the end of the day, we had a peaceful time at Legoland. So, all I could say is we did what we needed to do to make this a pleasant trip. And it was!

Monday, the day Jathan joined us at Legoland was a rainy day. We got wet, but we only had to share the park with 500 people. That made up for the rain.

Anybody Still Out There?

Happy New Year

Merry Christmas

Happy Thanksgiving

and every other holiday that has passed since I last wrote.

My intentions were to blog more once the adoption was finalized. I realized how hard it was to blog and post pictures when I couldn't write much about MacKenzie or post any pictures of her. It didn't seem right to leave her out. I hated cropping her out of photos or leaving some of the best ones off because she was in it. So I told myself as soon as the finalization happens, I will post more again. But then I had completely gotten out of the habit of posting, so that of course didn't happen. Well I would like to say that my New Year's resolution is to post more, but it isn't. I hope to. But I going to focus more on spending time in the Bible, spending more quality time with my family and growing patient as I parent and teach my kids at home. I would love to write more. It is kind of a journal online. But I know it won't be my priority.

But today I AM blogging. So here goes...

MacKenzie's finalization did happen in November. We are so grateful! Thank you to all who prayed. The relief that was felt when we walked out of that courtroom was huge. A seven year old knows when she doesn't share the same last name with you. She notices when the social workers come to check on things because she doesn't legally belong to you. And she notices when you say that you are the foster mom to the nurse in the hospital, because legally that is what you are and for insurance purposes it has to be straight. So when it is adoption day it isn't just a relief that we don't have to answer to the county anymore. We invited a few friends to celebrate with us at the courthouse and afterwards with dinner.

A couple of days after MacKenzie's adoption we headed to Death Valley National Park to camp over Thanksgiving. It was so freeing to be able to leave town without calling the social worker and to get to go into Nevada without having to have a judge approve of it. We had a good time. I didn't realize how beautiful a place with the word "death" in its name could be but it sure was.

We are continuing to learn how to navigate through life with prenatal alcohol exposure. The charter school that we are working with is absolutely wonderful. They have set us up with speech therapy and occupational therapy for Drew. He goes every other week for both of those and then daily I work on things at home with him. The special ed teacher guides me along as I teach Drew at home, offering wonderful support and encouragement. Every other week we see a psychologist. She is working to help Drew with his rages. I am not sure if it is helping, but I do feel like it is helping Jathan and I know how to handle him better. We still have really, really hard days and sometimes the bad spells go on and on. But God continues to give us respite through other people or just Drew having calm days himself. Parenting Drew is a new world. We fight daily with figuring out what does he have control of that is sin and he needs to work on, an obedience issue and what is something that he has no control of. We had a glimpse at how the wiring in his brain messes up when one evening he couldn't remember his own sister's name. It saddened us greatly, but I think it was good for us to see. It truly is an invisible disability. Drew looks completely normal. And when he is around other people, most of the time he can act completely normal. Even for Jathan and I, we have to remember the brain damage. I am seeing it more and more with school. But it is so hard when his frustration results in raging. Which it can so often do. It is hard to focus on helping him when it feels like he is verbally abusing me. Yet it isn't Drew saying these words. But when we can get him down from a rage and we have to do it, he cannot calm himself down, he is broken. God is sanctifying us, but I have to admit, I feel like I fail more times than I succeed. I break more times than I care to admit. So we are constantly on our knees. We came to a point in December where we had tried everything from nutrition to psychologist but were only seeing things get worse. So we went back to the psychiatrist we had seen at the beginning of the year. The result is that Drew is now starting on meds. I have to admit that I struggle with this. I feel like maybe I failed somehow. I am one that does not like to take medicine for anything. But our home had become a place of constant tension where we were constantly walking on eggshells so we wouldn't set Drew off. Quite honestly it was not a pleasant place to be for any of us. So when we went into the office, the doctor acknowledged all we had tried and said that maybe it was time. I walked out relieved, scared and feeling a bit defeated. We are going slow, continuing all that we did before, because we do not want this to be long term. Are we getting results, it is hard to say yet. The dose is so low. I stop and think so often, what am I doing to my son. At the same time he is miserable himself, feeling completely out of control. We can most certainly use your prayers if you think of us.

I went more into detail than I planned on, but then again if you follow the blog and really want to know how things are going, you need to know the background. I am reminded daily of God's love for me. I don't deserve it at all. But his son, Jesus Christ, purchased my forgiveness and Christ's righteousness covers me. I am in awe when I think of the work that was done on the cross. Christ conquered sin. His work is finished. And God is still working in me.

Catching up

Well it is 9:30 Sunday morning. I should be at church, but I am home with two sick little girls. Not too sick, thankfully.

I just typed, "I haven't updated my blog for a while", then erased it because I feel like I start every post that way, but I guess that is usually how it is. I am not a very good blogger, one because writing isn't my favorite thing, two because I have kids and a husband and I homeschool, and lots of other projects that are always waiting to get done, so there goes my computer time. But I wouldn't have it any other way, it just means that I simply am not a very good blogger.

So anyway, here I am home when I usually am not. And because the girls aren't in too bad of shape (low fevers and sniffles) I decided I would take some time to bring everyone up to speed on our lives. There are some things that I have wanted to post for a while, but haven't for a variety of reasons.

The last month has been crazy with company. Since March 4th until April 1st we had overnight guests all but 3 nights. We have had missionaries, my mom and grandma and then my sister. In the middle of all of that I had strep throat, we have tried to continue on a schedule with school and we have had some parenting/child issues that have been a bit difficult. But now it is quiet. Don't get me wrong, we loved the company!

Now to be transparent. Two other big things that have been going on in our lives is just figuring out how to parent children from hard places. This last month has ended the honeymoon period with "M". We struggled with lying, framing siblings, and refusing to take discipline. Here is where we struggled with parenting. Figuring out what the root issues were, discipling when a sin, and showing unconditional love through it all. There were days when I couldn't believe anything she said and she didn't care. And how do you help siblings bond when they don't trust her because she lies to them too and she tries to get them in trouble. I had a conversation with Clay about showing Christ's love to her, but at the same time I am thinking it is natural consequences for her that he doesn't want to be around her. But still she is his sister. Thankfully the last couple of weeks have been better, not every word is a lie. It has been a good reminder to us that kids do not come from situations like hers and not have any affects. So we are trusting God and crying out to God that he would help us, giving us wisdom and love for her. A quote from The Christian Guide to The Connected Child says "the past affects the future...but it does not have to determine it." It is so good to know that God is with us and he can transform anyone. If you think of us you can pray for our family as we bond and help her heal and show her Christ. We are so thankful for "M" and do love her so much. Adoption isn't easy, but we have seen God work in our life through it. We also are constantly reminded about how hopeless we were before we were adopted into God's family.

The other big thing is Drew. To make this short and not turn into a book, I am going to summarize a lot of what has happened the last 5 1/2 years since we have had Drew. He is a lovable little boy, always has been. However he has always had a temper with a very short fuse. Sometimes we weren't even sure what set him off. When we first got him, we thought he was adjusting, then we thought terrible twos, then we thought because his speech was delayed he was frustrated because he couldn't communicate. He would scream and jump around, and slap himself. He broke his crib even. But as he got older it got worse. Even after he could talk, although he still has a hard time expressing himself. After Godly counsel and a lot of praying, we were still not making any progress. In fact as his vocab expanded, his screaming turned into yelling at me and now he wasn't hitting himself, he was hitting walls and kicking them. We were frustrated. Most people didn't see this. It didn't happen all the time, but when it did he would scream for hours, I am not kidding we left church with him screaming one day and he screamed until it was time for bed that night. I was told just let him scream, but now he is hitting and kicking and throwing things. Sometimes he will wake up like this and have no idea why. After he calms down, he is happy and he himself doesn't seem to understand why. To go along with this, we still had speech issues, coordination issues (although give him a ball and he is amazing, but he runs into everything and you have to watch your feet, because you will most definitely have your feet stepped on when he walks by). He also seemed delayed in learning things that I thought he should know. About a year and a half ago, I talked to a friend who had some similar issues with her adopted child. She asked some questions and gave her thoughts. The past few months we have seen some doctors and they believe based on his history of prenatal alcohol exposure that he has FAE (Fetal Alcohol Effects). I was told by a professional that we would most likely go through the grieving process once it was diagnosed. I can't say that I have, maybe because for over a year I was sure that is what it was and feel better now that I know that I am not crazy and now we have people that are willing to help us. We are working with the charter school he is in to test him and find out exactly where he is at with with learning, speech, and psychologically. We struggle with school. He loves it, but his brain is like swiss cheese sometimes the info is there and somethings it is in a hole. For several months he can count to twenty. But one week last semester he couldn't count past five for the whole week. Then the next week he was back where he left off. We are getting help but there is no cure for FAE, we believe he is mild (thank goodness). We have found some ways that help him when he rages here at home, but if we are in public we still don't know what to do besides leave and hopefully we aren't far from home because he is yelling and hitting the window of the van the whole way home. We still don't know how to prevent the rages.

This has been our life. I have debated about sharing these issues on the blog for quite a while, but of course never did until now. The bright side is that God is working, in our kids and in us. We love our kids and wouldn't change our decision to adopt them for a million dollars. But it isn't always easy. When I was pregnant with Paige and Clay, I made sure I did everything by the book so that they could have that advantage. I can't control what Drew's birthmom drank while he was in her womb. With Paige, Clay and even Drew after 7 months of age, we have loved them, showing them by hugging and kissing them, telling them and providing their needs and structure. "M" didn't have that. And there is nothing I can do about the past. But they are our children now and we will do our part in pointing them to Christ and trust God to do the rest.

Thanks for listening. Or reading rather. I share this so I can be a little more honest in what goes on in our home and some of the daily struggles we have and also to share the triumphs. And maybe you can pray for us when we come to your mind. I in no way intend to turn anyone off adopting. Rather I hope that you will see how much children need loving and committed parents to teach them the ways of the Lord. But it isn't easy. Worth it yes, so very worth it!