Last week was one of those times when I felt like throwing in the towel with educating Drew. We worked on math facts, he would need to use blocks for every single problem and still not get it right every time. After our geography lesson, I asked him some questions and he stared at me blankly like I just asked what the volume of the moon was not in which direction the sun rises. One evening I confessed to Jathan that I really didn't know what point it was to teach him. Yes, I know that sounds horrible, even typing that I cringe. But that is how I felt. And it wasn't just last week. There are days that I feel like I am banging my head on a brick wall. Of course I know causing brain damage in my head is not going to help his. Information goes in his head, but then I don't know what happens to it after that. Sometimes it seems to bounce right out. Other times it sticks, but you never know if he will be able to use it all the time or not.
You see it is hard to tell what he has learned. He can know something one day, and every day for a week, but one day it is gone, then it comes back again. Not just school things either. A few weeks ago, MacKenzie and I were working on dinner and he asked what we were going to have that night. I rattled off the list with the last item being kiwi. He asked with a confused look on his face "What is kiwi?" MacKenzie held one up and said, these are kiwi. He still looked a little confused and said "oh". Now to some that may not sound like an unreasonable question. But understand that it is the middle of kiwi season here in California, we love kiwi, he loves kiwi, so every week I buy some at the farmers market. We eat it all the time. So there is the frustration. But I can't get frustrated with him. He can't help it. In fact, he doesn't like that he doesn't remember/understand things any more than I do.
So we rejoice in the good days, when he does remember or does understand. And we encourage in the bad. Yesterday he did a math worksheet. There were ten problems. He did them all in his head except one. (For whatever reason 3+2 gets him everytime.) I cheered and told him how proud I was of him. Today, we worked on math again. We worked on circling the big number and then starting with that number and counting the rest on his fingers. He was getting it. I loved watching him work his problems. He got to 3+2 and said "three is in my head" then he counted (using his fingers) 4, 5 until he had the two fingers help up. (keep in mind keeping track of his fingers can be difficult too) Triumphantly, he announced the answer was 5.
They are baby steps. And tomorrow he might have trouble with every problem. But today we got to see the baby steps forward and rejoice.
We are two kids down this week as Clay and Paige are in Williamsburg, VA with their grandma and aunt. They are learning lots about Colonial history and it sounds like they are having a grand time.
So it has been just the four of us this week. And wow! what a difference it makes. The first day was a bit of a struggle, I have to admit I missed the other two, it was so weird not having them around and knowing that they wouldn't be for a week. But then getting to focus on just the younger two has been so nice. We had a bumpy morning yesterday, the younger two didn't quite know what to do with themselves without their older ringleaders. But today has been filled with laughter and chatter between the two and I think they are enjoying their time quite well.
Now that the two kids are occupied with something, I thought I would update the blog a bit. I am not sure if anyone reads it anymore, updating it less than once a month does not help encourage people to follow, but for those of you faithful readers here is a nutshell of what has been going on in our lives.
After returning from our two and a half week trip out east, we finished up with school and were excited to bring on summer break. In June we had swim lessons a couple of times. A lady from our church offers swim lessons to our family at her home. It is great, as they kids can work on what they need help with and they get lots of individual attention. Their strokes are improving very well. The beginning of July, our college friends that live in the LA area visited for the Fourth of July. It was a great time with a couple trips up to the national parks, swimming, games and fireworks. Also this summer, the kids are in a reading program at the library, earning prizes and reading lots of books. The older two, especially Paige, concentrated on reading books about colonial times and Jamestown. This was to prepare herself for their big trip.
News on "M". We still haven't finalized and we still have no idea when that will be. Her social worker told the court November, then he told me he hoped before school started, then he said that wouldn't happen but hopefully soon after it starts. So I really have no idea when it will happen. Until there is a court date set, I am not going to get too excited. I feel like we are bonding better with her, but we still have a way to go. I hate to admit it, but she can still do things that just get under my skin, and I know that if it were one of the other kids it wouldn't bother me as much. But it is getting better. She is no longer in therapy, her therapist thought that she was doing well and didn't need it anymore. We have been working on her asthma. It is all new to us. I had asthma as a child, but hers seems to be different. We haven't had much trouble with it except on our trip which landed her in the hospital for 3 nights. Last month two women from the local hospital came and evaluated our home for possible triggers. They literally did the white glove check which was a bit embarrassing and stressful. And then gave me an action plan and came back two weeks later to make sure I made the changes and cleaned the way I should. "M" came with over 40 stuffed animals, I am not exaggerating. They said she needed to be limited to two animals. The other kids also needed to get rid of all but two a piece that way I could wash in hot water, dry and then put them in the freezer every other day for 24 hours. That was hard, especially for Drew as he told me he didn't like asthma. I let them keep 5 each, I couldn't do the 2 a piece, but I will try to stay on top of cleaning them. (just don't tell the hospital ladies!)
Drew completed his school testing. All of it just in time for them to hire a new special ed teacher that won't start until the beginning of the school year. So we really didn't get anything accomplished yet. We have had less raging, which is wonderful, though when he has raged the things he yells at me breaks my heart and can be a bit frightening. After he calms down he is a different kid again and you are thinking "what on earth just happened?" One of our biggest challenges is communication. Trying to figure out what he is saying can be close to impossible and frustrating for both us and him. It isn't understanding the words, sometimes that is a struggle, but after figuring them out he just doesn't make sense or we think he does and find that the words he is saying is not matching with what he means.
So anyway, those above are ways you can pray for us.
I love this picture. I am not even sure who took it because I was busy dishing out birthday cake at Paige's party. (I'll post about her birthday later). I think the cake is why the smile is so big. It is a little fuzzy, but you can still see how beautiful Drew's smile is.
Well it is 9:30 Sunday morning. I should be at church, but I am home with two sick little girls. Not too sick, thankfully.
I just typed, "I haven't updated my blog for a while", then erased it because I feel like I start every post that way, but I guess that is usually how it is. I am not a very good blogger, one because writing isn't my favorite thing, two because I have kids and a husband and I homeschool, and lots of other projects that are always waiting to get done, so there goes my computer time. But I wouldn't have it any other way, it just means that I simply am not a very good blogger.
So anyway, here I am home when I usually am not. And because the girls aren't in too bad of shape (low fevers and sniffles) I decided I would take some time to bring everyone up to speed on our lives. There are some things that I have wanted to post for a while, but haven't for a variety of reasons.
The last month has been crazy with company. Since March 4th until April 1st we had overnight guests all but 3 nights. We have had missionaries, my mom and grandma and then my sister. In the middle of all of that I had strep throat, we have tried to continue on a schedule with school and we have had some parenting/child issues that have been a bit difficult. But now it is quiet. Don't get me wrong, we loved the company!
Now to be transparent. Two other big things that have been going on in our lives is just figuring out how to parent children from hard places. This last month has ended the honeymoon period with "M". We struggled with lying, framing siblings, and refusing to take discipline. Here is where we struggled with parenting. Figuring out what the root issues were, discipling when a sin, and showing unconditional love through it all. There were days when I couldn't believe anything she said and she didn't care. And how do you help siblings bond when they don't trust her because she lies to them too and she tries to get them in trouble. I had a conversation with Clay about showing Christ's love to her, but at the same time I am thinking it is natural consequences for her that he doesn't want to be around her. But still she is his sister. Thankfully the last couple of weeks have been better, not every word is a lie. It has been a good reminder to us that kids do not come from situations like hers and not have any affects. So we are trusting God and crying out to God that he would help us, giving us wisdom and love for her. A quote from The Christian Guide to The Connected Child says "the past affects the future...but it does not have to determine it." It is so good to know that God is with us and he can transform anyone. If you think of us you can pray for our family as we bond and help her heal and show her Christ. We are so thankful for "M" and do love her so much. Adoption isn't easy, but we have seen God work in our life through it. We also are constantly reminded about how hopeless we were before we were adopted into God's family.
The other big thing is Drew. To make this short and not turn into a book, I am going to summarize a lot of what has happened the last 5 1/2 years since we have had Drew. He is a lovable little boy, always has been. However he has always had a temper with a very short fuse. Sometimes we weren't even sure what set him off. When we first got him, we thought he was adjusting, then we thought terrible twos, then we thought because his speech was delayed he was frustrated because he couldn't communicate. He would scream and jump around, and slap himself. He broke his crib even. But as he got older it got worse. Even after he could talk, although he still has a hard time expressing himself. After Godly counsel and a lot of praying, we were still not making any progress. In fact as his vocab expanded, his screaming turned into yelling at me and now he wasn't hitting himself, he was hitting walls and kicking them. We were frustrated. Most people didn't see this. It didn't happen all the time, but when it did he would scream for hours, I am not kidding we left church with him screaming one day and he screamed until it was time for bed that night. I was told just let him scream, but now he is hitting and kicking and throwing things. Sometimes he will wake up like this and have no idea why. After he calms down, he is happy and he himself doesn't seem to understand why. To go along with this, we still had speech issues, coordination issues (although give him a ball and he is amazing, but he runs into everything and you have to watch your feet, because you will most definitely have your feet stepped on when he walks by). He also seemed delayed in learning things that I thought he should know. About a year and a half ago, I talked to a friend who had some similar issues with her adopted child. She asked some questions and gave her thoughts. The past few months we have seen some doctors and they believe based on his history of prenatal alcohol exposure that he has FAE (Fetal Alcohol Effects). I was told by a professional that we would most likely go through the grieving process once it was diagnosed. I can't say that I have, maybe because for over a year I was sure that is what it was and feel better now that I know that I am not crazy and now we have people that are willing to help us. We are working with the charter school he is in to test him and find out exactly where he is at with with learning, speech, and psychologically. We struggle with school. He loves it, but his brain is like swiss cheese sometimes the info is there and somethings it is in a hole. For several months he can count to twenty. But one week last semester he couldn't count past five for the whole week. Then the next week he was back where he left off. We are getting help but there is no cure for FAE, we believe he is mild (thank goodness). We have found some ways that help him when he rages here at home, but if we are in public we still don't know what to do besides leave and hopefully we aren't far from home because he is yelling and hitting the window of the van the whole way home. We still don't know how to prevent the rages.
This has been our life. I have debated about sharing these issues on the blog for quite a while, but of course never did until now. The bright side is that God is working, in our kids and in us. We love our kids and wouldn't change our decision to adopt them for a million dollars. But it isn't always easy. When I was pregnant with Paige and Clay, I made sure I did everything by the book so that they could have that advantage. I can't control what Drew's birthmom drank while he was in her womb. With Paige, Clay and even Drew after 7 months of age, we have loved them, showing them by hugging and kissing them, telling them and providing their needs and structure. "M" didn't have that. And there is nothing I can do about the past. But they are our children now and we will do our part in pointing them to Christ and trust God to do the rest.
Thanks for listening. Or reading rather. I share this so I can be a little more honest in what goes on in our home and some of the daily struggles we have and also to share the triumphs. And maybe you can pray for us when we come to your mind. I in no way intend to turn anyone off adopting. Rather I hope that you will see how much children need loving and committed parents to teach them the ways of the Lord. But it isn't easy. Worth it yes, so very worth it!
A couple of weeks ago turned out to be a birthday week at our home. Our littlest one turned 6 on March 15th. Drew had been looking forward to the day for quite some time, when he was finally 6 years old! And the week before, my mom and grandma began their visit and we were able to celebrate my grandma's 92nd birthday.
In our house you get a party for your odd birthday and we do something special as a family for your even birthday. Thankfully, it was a "celebrate as a family" year since I had strep throat on Drew's birthday. So the rest of the family, including my mom and grandma, all went out to celebrate his special day. However, I did get to join in the celebration when he opened his gifts.
Here is the birthday boy, with his sibling made "birthday crown"
There are definite pros and cons to having two 5 year olds in the house. A con would definitely be the bickering over toys and the way the other looked at them or said something to them. But most of the time, within minutes of the "fight" they are laughing together. For sure a pro would be that they are guaranteed to have someone laughing at their jokes because they honestly think it is funny.
Last week we celebrated Drew's 5th birthday with a party at the park. Last year, I decided elaborate birthday parties every year for each child was a a little much for me. Paige's birthday and Drew's are exactly 3 weeks apart, so that makes it a bit more tricky and tiring. So... I told the kids they would get a birthday party for their odd number birthdays. Paige and Drew are 3 years apart so they would never have a party in the same year. If they don't get a party, they will still get to have a fun day. I just won't have to decorate, do games and have party favors.
As the time was approaching for Drew's party, I was getting a little nervous because our backyard is still a bit of a mess because of construction. So to relieve my stress about the yard, I was inspired by a friend to have his party at a park. I talked it over with him and he loved the idea. So we had Drew's Transformer birthday party at the park, with cupcakes and party bags. Here are a few pictures from the day.
Later in the evening, we celebrated as a family by opening gifts.
I think he had a fun day.
Paige has asked to go to the zoo for her birthday and she will invite one friend. We are looking forward to her birthday in just over a week.
Wow, 5 years old! My baby is 5 years old! Where does the time go?
Five years ago, Jathan and I were in the middle of our homestudy with Bethany Christian Services. We were learning about all of the ins and outs of the adoption world, filling out paperwork, and preparing Paige and Clay for a new sibling. Meanwhile, halfway across the world, in a hospital in Pyongtaek, South Korea a young lady was saying goodbye to her newborn son, Tae Hwan. Her newborn son became our son several months later. I looked at him today as he was eating his dinner. So excited about being a 5 year old. He got a few transformers for his birthday, so he was thrilled. For him life didn't get any better. I wondered if that young lady realized what today was. Does she remember? Does she feel pain? I've written several letters to our agency for Drew's file telling her what a joy he is to us. How much he has grown and what he loves to do. I wonder if she has read them? Every year on Drew's birthday, I think about the hard decisions she had to make and the goodbye she had to say. And I look at him and thank God that she choose life for her son, our son.
I just wanted to share my thoughts today.
We celebrated with a party at the park, (I'll post pictures later) presents at home and lots of playing with the new transformers. It has been a busy day, coming off of a busy weekend, so we are beat. Early to bed for the kiddos. (Hopefully, I won't be too late getting to bed either)
The end of January the kids helped our dear friends, Joe and Gloria, sow seeds. Joe had surgery for a blocked artery and needed to take it easy, so the kids helped with some of the beginning garden preparations.
I know that the kids had a fun time and I think Joe and Gloria did too.
After all of the work, popsicles were handed out to the workers. And then we enjoyed the nice afternoon.
Yesterday, I overheard an argument beginning between the boys in their room. I was in the middle of something and hoping they would work it out between themselves so I wouldn't have to step in. As I am trying to figure out what was going on I here this exchange...
Clay: Well, you called me a name in the first place!
Drew: Well, you called me a name in the other place!
I had to laugh, knowing that Drew probably had no idea what "place" Clay was talking about. I really do wonder myself where this "other place" is that Drew was talking about.
It warms my heart seeing the boys try to do things like Daddy does them.
Clay for the longest time wanted to wear a tie to church like Daddy does. After he made his own paper tie and wore it one Sunday, I decided that we needed to get him his own real tie. So Daddy took him to the store and picked out a tie. For a while that is all he wanted to wear to church, even if the tie didn't match his clothes. This year he has grown out of the shirt that the tie went with. Now I need to go shopping for a new shirt. The desire is definitely there to wear it.
Drew has spent much time int he bathroom with Daddy while he shaves. Asking questions, wetting his own face. As I was out shopping one day before Christmas, I found a kids shaving set with a pretend razor. The perfect gift for Drew.
As I look as these pictures, I am reminded of how important the father/son relationship is. It is going to be a while before Drew actually begins to shave, but hopefully during these times he will also learn to follow his daddy in other ways besides making sure his face is smooth. I pray that my boys will follow their daddy in leading their families someday, in the way they treat their wives, in the way they provide for their families, and most importantly, in the way they love the Lord. I am grateful for the role model our boys have and I pray that they will continue to want to be like their daddy.
The other day I was working on some paperwork in the schoolroom
(yes, we have a school room now, very excited that Jathan gave over his office now that he has the loft in the addition)
Anyway, I was working in the school room and Drew decided to come in and play his little piano in there and keep me company. Of course the little piano is set on a very annoying song with Drew playing random keys along with it and of course the volume in on high. I decided to not be grouchy even though I was trying to concentrate and just ignore it. I was glad that he was enjoying himself, staying and out of trouble and that he wanted to be with me. After several minutes of the music playing and not hearing any sounds from Drew, I decided since he isn't even playing the music I was going to tell him to atleast turn in down a bit. So I lean over the desk and here is what I found...
I am really not quite sure how anyone could fall asleep with that music.
I didn't intend for the story to drag out quite so long. It has been a bit busy here, so I haven't had the time or brain energy to sit and type. But I do want to bring closure to story (not that you don't know how it ended).
After our paperwork left my hands at the UPS store, the really hard wait began. We had finished all of our paperwork, there was nothing left for us to do. In one sense it was nice to have a break from the paperwork, but in another sense, doing paperwork felt like we were actively working towards bringing our son home, now it was out of our hands. I didn't like it out my hands. I was reminded constantly, that it was in God's hands. He is the one who is all-knowing, all-powerful, and good. So really shouldn't that be better than being in my hands? I know now it seems like a no brainer. Though at the time, I learned a lot about what a control freak I was. Trust and patience was the big lesson in the adoption. I would love to say that now, going through this, I have perfected it. Unfortunately, I am still growing in this (and have a ways to go!).
During the wait, I joined a forum of other families from the agency that we adopting from that were also adopting from or had adopted from Korea. It was a great thing for the most part. Great because I didn't feel like we were waiting alone. Great because we learned a lot about traveling in Korea for when we got "the call". Great because there were tips on post-placement. Not so good that I learned about some of the hangups in the process that could lead to us not getting Drew until the beginning of the new year. Sometimes too much information is not a good thing. So I stressed myself out it for a while and even bugged my contact at the agency about it. Jathan reminded me that it is in God's hands and that His timing is perfect. So hard to accept when you have a picture of your son on your fridge and he is on the other side of the world. But I had to believe that it was true. As the months passed, I did begin to wonder if we would get him, ever. Not that the waiting time for us was outside of the norm, just some days it just seem like it would really happen. I watched a program about Korean adoptions. On the program they videoed a homecoming at the airport. A family going to get their baby. I watched and cried. It hit me that it would happen. I really would get that little boy. The wait was hard. But we made it through. One day I went to the mailbox and got an unexpected envelope from our agency. I was a bit worried not knowing if something was wrong. But I opened it and here is the first thing that I saw:
Updated photo!!! Oh what a praise. We hadn't seen any updates for a few months. It was a blessing and this update helped me get through until the end of the wait.
My mom was going to go with me to pick Drew up. Jathan was going to stay with the kids. We thought that would be best so he could take off time after we got home. So she was anxious as we were to get "the call".
The time was close to when we thought "the call" might come. Every morning, I was on pins and needles in the morning. I knew that our agency would get a fax from Korea during the night and then in the morning a person from the agency would call the families that had their children ready to come home. Once noon hit, I would be a bit disappointed but would atleast be able to relax and not have my heart pounding when the phone rang. Then one Monday morning came. Jathan took the kids somewhere, I really can't remember where. But he came home and I was opening the door for them as they took off their shoes in the breezeway. The phone rang. I answered. On the other line was Jill, from our agency, I could recognize her Minnesota accent immediately. All I remember her saying is he is ready, you can go. Oh my goodness!!! Well immediately I called mom, I had to wait until 11:00 to book our tickets because the travel agent was in Washington state, it was only 9:00 so that was a couple hours away. So I got out my what to do when "the call" came papers and got to work. Finally it was time to call the travel agent. I booked a flight for us for Thursday. The next couple of days were a blur. Then Wednesday evening came. My parents came to stay the night. The next morning very early, Dad drove Mom and I up to Chicago for our direct flight to Seoul, South Korea. We would arrive in Korea on Friday, have time to adjust to new time and new place for a couple of days and then on Monday was the day we were to meet Drew.
That Sunday night, I didn't sleep well at all. The next day I would meet Drew. I was excited, nervous and everything in between. Finally, Monday morning came. I was more nervous than the night before. Almost sick feeling. What if the people at the agency don't like me and they change their mind? What if he screams when I hold him? What if the foster mom doesn't like me (not that she has a say in anything, but it was still something that I felt nervous about)?
Well we arrive at the office. I got to fill out more paperwork (no, when you adopt it really never ends). Then I was told to go to the social workers' office to wait. Mom and I sat there as people came in and out of the office and then there he was. I recognized his foster mom right away. I really think I came close to my heart stopping. Our Korean Social Worker saw her right away and directed her to me. She immediately put him in my arms.
Oh, he was so cute. Just precious. We had a wonderful visit with his foster mom through an interpreter. But then the hour was over and I had to let him go again. His foster mom invited us to her home on Thursday, so we would get to see him again then.
That visit was wonderful. We were able to see where he had lived the last 7 months. It was fun to see more of his personality.
My mom with Drew
Drew with his fostermother
Once again, that hour passed too and we had to say another good-bye. This time we wouldn't see him until the following Monday. That was the day that we would leave for home. That time it would be a visit that wouldn't end in an hour.
Monday morning we were ready bright and early. Bags packed and down in the lobby. We were ready for Drew to arrive. He came with his fostermom and two of his foster sisters. What an emotional time. These were the people that took care of him from the time he was 2 weeks old. They held him, fed him, bathed him, loved him. Now they would have to say goodbye. How could I ever thank them for taking care of my son for his first 7 months? Dr. Kim, the founder of the adoption agency, prayed for Drew. I don't know what he said, because it was all in Korean, but I could hear the sound of his voice and knew that he was praying with his heart for this little boy who would leave his home country to start a new life in a new country with his family. Then it was time to say goodbye. Tears were shed and then we were off to the airport. I had our son in my arms (yes in the van I literally had him in my arms, no car seat for us!). Now it was time to take him to meet the rest of his family.
Dr. Kim Praying
Drew being placed in my arms for good.
Our ride to the airport
Gotcha Day! My three kids!
Well that concludes our journey to Drew. Our first adoption. There is so much more I could write and tons more pictures I could post, but then it might get a bit too lengthy. And I am hoping I didn't already cross the line anyway.
Now four years later, I look at my kids and am so thankful for the way God has brought our family together. The adoption road was not easy, but worth it.
I call it a journey, because it can be a long road and even though we went with one of the most predictable international programs, there still are a lot of unknowns and the potential for twists and turns. And it can be very tiring.But as with most journeys, the end is worth the work along the way.
We had two applications to fill out, one for our homestudy agency (Bethany Christian Services) and another for our placing agency (Childrens Home Society and Family Services).Not all adoptions have that.But we were in Indiana and the placing agency we choose was in Minnesota. We had to have a local agency conduct our homestudy.After acceptance with both agencies our homestudy began.I will tell you that I was so nervous for the homestudy. I viewed it as a social worker asking a million questions about past, present and future, hoping to dig up something that will make you ineligible for adoption. I was so wrong.Our social worker was there to gather information about us to help us get the best match for our family and to educate us along the way. What I stressed over and came close to getting ulcers over, was really no big deal. Atleast looking back. Our social worker walked us through all of the government paperwork (which is a lot) and all of the training. It was really helpful.The hardest part of our homestudy was the piece of paper that we filled out regarding what we would accept in a child and what we wouldn’t. Jathan and I still talk about that paper.We prayed very hard that God would direct us. It is hard to check no on any of the disabilities listed because you know that would rule out a child that was just as deserving of a home as any. And those children that were ruled out for us were ruled out for many other couples seeking adoption. Meaning their chances of getting adopted was small.That is heart breaking. Who are we to say what type of child we should get? But we had to fill it out.We could put that we would accept any child with anything, but we also had two small children (ages 1 and 2). What could we handle? After a lot of time and praying we did settle on what to put and we trusted God to place the child he wanted us to have with us.
After the homestudy was completed and our social worker signed off on it and we had completed all of the government papers and were fingerprinted, we were officially in the matching process.We had no idea how long this process would take.But we ended up being pleasantly surprised when we got a call from our placing agency on one June morning. I remember Peggy’s voice saying “I have a referral for you. I have a picture here of a little boy.He is around 3 months old and his name is Shin, Tae Hwan.” Oh wow!We would let us accept him right away.They had to fax the paperwork over to us and we had to look at it and talk to a doctor about the medical files and so on. And it was a week later before we even got his pictures to see what he looked like. But in July it was official.I remember crying in the parking lot of the UPS Store after I dropped off the remainder of our paperwork and the papers that said YES, Shin, Tae Hwan will be our son.
I don't think that I will ever forget the circumstances and the influences that brought us to adopt Drew. But then again there seem to be a lot of things that I do not write down thinking that I will never forget, only to find that I forgot. Even though I have shared the story many times and this is definitely more significant than most of the other things that I thought I would always remember but don't now, I am going to write it down even though I don't think that I will forget what brought Jathan and I to the decision to adopt.
When Jathan and I were engaged to be married, we filled out a questionnaire separately for our pastor asking all sorts of things about our thoughts and desires regarding our marriage. One question asked how many kids we thought we would like to have. I put down 3 or 4. Jathan wrote 2 or 3. Well seeing that, I figured 3 would be the number then.
We got married, Jathan started seminary, I started working, children were on the back burner. Not that I didn't want them, but practically it worked better for me to work full time, Jathan to be in school full time, then we could finish seminary quicker and get on with our lives. It just made sense. As Jathan was in school, we had several friends get pregnant and have babies. And our dear friends, the Garcias, adopted a little girl, Eva. That was our first up close experience with adoption. What a joy it was to watch that miracle!
Finally, we were in the home stretch of seminary so we decided it was time to start thinking about kids. We weren't getting any younger, ya know. God blessed us right away with our daughter, Paige, and then 18 months later with our son, Clay. During this time, adoption never occurred to me for our family. Although I thought about adoption often as I watched others in our church adopt and our friends, the Garcias, grow their family through adoption. I have to be honest in my mind I thought of it mostly for families that were not able to have children.
After Clay was close to a year old I started to talk to Jathan about planning for our 3rd child. Remember that was the middle ground that we fell on way back when we were engaged. He was dragging his feet though. He thought two was quite enough at that time and he wasn't sure if he was ready for a 3rd quite yet. Trying to be understanding, I did remind him that it does take 9 months (or closer to 8 months for me, mine seem to come a bit early) before the baby would be born and we needed to start planning. Eventually, he said he would be ready in a few months. I was happy with that. As long as we had a plan, I am happy.
But one day I was standing at the kitchen sink doing the dishes. I thought about some families in our church who had adopted. They already had kids when they adopted, I started thinking about the children around the world and in our own country who have no one to call mommy or daddy. They didn't have a mother that they knew would be there when they cried, or to kiss them goodnight, or hug them and just say "I love you". I thought about all of the children already in the world that were without families. That are already living here, in the world, right now, that will grow up with no one unless someone chooses to adopt them. Could we adopt? No, there is no way that Jathan would go for this. He is having a hard time thinking about having a third child, let alone pay a large amount of money to adopt one. So I remained quiet about it and really tried to push it out of my mind.
During this time our senior pastor was involved in orphan ministry in South Africa. He began teaching on God's care and love of orphans. One Sunday, in late November, we were driving out to the tree farm to pick out our Christmas tree. As we were driving, Jathan asked in an odd, uncomfortable, nervous sort of way "What did you think about Pastor Whipple's sermon?" I don't remember what I said, but I remember saying a few things that really stuck out to me, totally not what had stuck out to him though. He said a few things about the sermon, then said "It has made me think, what do you think about us adopting?" What? He has been thinking about it too!
So our journey began.
We began to gather information, talking to people to find out all that they knew about adoption. Then the decision had to be made: Domestic or International. We chose International. At that point in time, I didn't think that I could risk domestic. To have birth parents change their minds, or the fear I had about the birthparents finding us. I was too fearful for that. International, to me, didn't seem to have all of those risks.
Now, which country? I researched many countries and their adoption policies. We talked to more people. We prayed. There were so many factors to consider. Cost? How many times do you need to travel to the country? Do we fit the criteria of the country? We looked at our church family. Our church had a large ministry to International students, which was mostly made up of Asian students. So we narrowed it down to the continent of Asia. We were too young for China and we didn't make enough money to meet their criteria. We crossed that off our list. After looking at the other possibilities we were left with Korea to be what we thought was our best option. For several reasons. #1 We fit the criteria #2 Korea has been doing adoptions with the US for years, it was a smooth process #3 I hate to say it as a reason, but it wasn't as expensive as some of the others #4 We have a good Christian friend that had been adopted from Korea, I wanted our child to have someone to look to and could relate to.After all of these questions were answered along with what agency we were to go through. Our first application was submitted and it was official. We were adopting!
I cut everyone's hair in this house. So sometimes I like to have a little fun with the clippers. Here is Drew's reverse mohawk.
Don't worry, I shaved the rest after he showed it off to the whole family and I got him to pose for a picture. He did look pretty tough with the new look and his tattoo that his tattoo artist sister gave him.
Hi, my name is Melissa. My husband, Jathan, and I have 4 beautiful children, 2 by birth and 2 by adoption. Jathan is a pastor and I am a stay at home, homeschooling mom.
You will find me writing about my kids, my husband, God, adoption, homeschooling, our travels, life events and everything in between.
