Would I do it again?

Looking back at my most recent posts, I realized that I have pretty much only posted on the hard days and moments. That will change, because yes we have hard days/weeks/months, but we also have many days of peace. So I want to reflect on this blog what life is really like here.

Now back to my question "Would I do it again?" Adopting is what I am talking about. And before I go into the long answer of explaining why I write some of the things I do, I want to answer it. YES, most definitely YES. I would do it all over again, I do not, or I should say, we do not regret it!

Why do I share the hard times on the blog?

#1 So you can pray for us. It is a reality that there are days that are pretty hard.

#2 Because I know that there are people reading this that have adopted, and I would love them to know that they are not alone, or the only ones. When we adopted Drew, the first few weeks went pretty well. We were excited, we had anticipated bringing him home for some time. But after a couple of weeks, I started to not like him. I remember thinking that if someone took him from me I wouldn't be too upset about it. I felt absolutely horrible that I could have feelings like that. I told a couple of people (ones that hadn't adopted) about it and they reassured me that they had feelings like about their birth children. It really didn't help, because it was a strong feeling and I never felt that way about Paige or Clay so why him? Would I be able to love him like I did them? But one day, Jathan was talking to another adoptive father and mentioned my feelings to him and the father said his wife had felt the same way about their child, but the feelings changed. That to me was encouraging. It isn't easy to say some of these things publicly, but I hope that by doing so it might be just what another adoptive mom or dad needed to hear.

#3 Because I want people who are considering adopting to see the reality. Not everyone's experience is the same as mine. I know that. But many times we only share how wonderful things are as new adoptive parents. We do not want to admit some of the horrible thoughts we have had. Or how hard some things are because we choose this and we should have known. Or we don't want to discourage others from adopting, because this is a good thing. But I want people to be aware and prepared. I hope that it doesn't discourage anyone from adopting, but the opposite. Maybe you will see how much these children need loving, stable homes. Just be prepared so you can get help if and when you need it. And remember if you are called to adopt, God will be right there too!

#4 Because if you as the reader of this blog, do not fit into either #2 or #3, then you probably know or will know someone who has adopted. And wouldn't it be great if you knew a little more about what they might be experiencing? You may not completely understand, but at least you can acknowledge that you know things may not be all magical and feeling happy ever after as soon as they come home.

But back to my question, again. Yes, I would do it again. Drew and MacKenzie are my children as much as Paige and Clay are. I cannot imagine life without them. The hard days remind me that this is what it is all about. You wouldn't believe how much more dependent on God I am now then I was prior to the wonderful day in October of 2005, on the other side of the world, when I held Drew for the first time in my arms. I have been brought to my knees calling out to him because I know that we cannot do this without him. There is no way we could. And you know what? Adoption isn't the only thing we can't do without him. Parenting any child whether that child came from your body or by adoption. We need Him! God has also shown me so many of my sins, it has been painful at times, but I am so glad that he is constantly refining me through this.

I thank God for my kids. No matter what way they joined our family.

So how was Drew's day today, you may ask? Well, our neighbor kids are over right now. The kids have been running around outside, inside, everywhere. Jumped on the trampoline, picnicked on the front lawn, pretended to be about everything in the book in their make believe world. Lots of laughter. So today is a happy day. I thank God, not just for me but for Drew.

Not for the Faint of Heart

That is how I would describe adoption. I want to write a longer post on this soon, but right now, all I can do is remind myself that it isn't for the faint of heart. But my heart is not alone. God called us to this and He has not left us alone.

He

is

with

me

Every. Single. Moment.

Right now my son is screaming in the other room that he wants his Korean family. He says I don't care about him, etc, etc.

I know he doesn't mean it.

It will end like it always does with tears. He will want me to hold him.

But even though I know that. And I know that he is not in his right mind right now.

It still hurts at this moment.

But I am going to choose to turn to the one who heals the broken hearted. Because though it hurts, he is working in me through this.

I thank God for that.

Anybody Still Out There?

Happy New Year

Merry Christmas

Happy Thanksgiving

and every other holiday that has passed since I last wrote.

My intentions were to blog more once the adoption was finalized. I realized how hard it was to blog and post pictures when I couldn't write much about MacKenzie or post any pictures of her. It didn't seem right to leave her out. I hated cropping her out of photos or leaving some of the best ones off because she was in it. So I told myself as soon as the finalization happens, I will post more again. But then I had completely gotten out of the habit of posting, so that of course didn't happen. Well I would like to say that my New Year's resolution is to post more, but it isn't. I hope to. But I going to focus more on spending time in the Bible, spending more quality time with my family and growing patient as I parent and teach my kids at home. I would love to write more. It is kind of a journal online. But I know it won't be my priority.

But today I AM blogging. So here goes...

MacKenzie's finalization did happen in November. We are so grateful! Thank you to all who prayed. The relief that was felt when we walked out of that courtroom was huge. A seven year old knows when she doesn't share the same last name with you. She notices when the social workers come to check on things because she doesn't legally belong to you. And she notices when you say that you are the foster mom to the nurse in the hospital, because legally that is what you are and for insurance purposes it has to be straight. So when it is adoption day it isn't just a relief that we don't have to answer to the county anymore. We invited a few friends to celebrate with us at the courthouse and afterwards with dinner.

A couple of days after MacKenzie's adoption we headed to Death Valley National Park to camp over Thanksgiving. It was so freeing to be able to leave town without calling the social worker and to get to go into Nevada without having to have a judge approve of it. We had a good time. I didn't realize how beautiful a place with the word "death" in its name could be but it sure was.

We are continuing to learn how to navigate through life with prenatal alcohol exposure. The charter school that we are working with is absolutely wonderful. They have set us up with speech therapy and occupational therapy for Drew. He goes every other week for both of those and then daily I work on things at home with him. The special ed teacher guides me along as I teach Drew at home, offering wonderful support and encouragement. Every other week we see a psychologist. She is working to help Drew with his rages. I am not sure if it is helping, but I do feel like it is helping Jathan and I know how to handle him better. We still have really, really hard days and sometimes the bad spells go on and on. But God continues to give us respite through other people or just Drew having calm days himself. Parenting Drew is a new world. We fight daily with figuring out what does he have control of that is sin and he needs to work on, an obedience issue and what is something that he has no control of. We had a glimpse at how the wiring in his brain messes up when one evening he couldn't remember his own sister's name. It saddened us greatly, but I think it was good for us to see. It truly is an invisible disability. Drew looks completely normal. And when he is around other people, most of the time he can act completely normal. Even for Jathan and I, we have to remember the brain damage. I am seeing it more and more with school. But it is so hard when his frustration results in raging. Which it can so often do. It is hard to focus on helping him when it feels like he is verbally abusing me. Yet it isn't Drew saying these words. But when we can get him down from a rage and we have to do it, he cannot calm himself down, he is broken. God is sanctifying us, but I have to admit, I feel like I fail more times than I succeed. I break more times than I care to admit. So we are constantly on our knees. We came to a point in December where we had tried everything from nutrition to psychologist but were only seeing things get worse. So we went back to the psychiatrist we had seen at the beginning of the year. The result is that Drew is now starting on meds. I have to admit that I struggle with this. I feel like maybe I failed somehow. I am one that does not like to take medicine for anything. But our home had become a place of constant tension where we were constantly walking on eggshells so we wouldn't set Drew off. Quite honestly it was not a pleasant place to be for any of us. So when we went into the office, the doctor acknowledged all we had tried and said that maybe it was time. I walked out relieved, scared and feeling a bit defeated. We are going slow, continuing all that we did before, because we do not want this to be long term. Are we getting results, it is hard to say yet. The dose is so low. I stop and think so often, what am I doing to my son. At the same time he is miserable himself, feeling completely out of control. We can most certainly use your prayers if you think of us.

I went more into detail than I planned on, but then again if you follow the blog and really want to know how things are going, you need to know the background. I am reminded daily of God's love for me. I don't deserve it at all. But his son, Jesus Christ, purchased my forgiveness and Christ's righteousness covers me. I am in awe when I think of the work that was done on the cross. Christ conquered sin. His work is finished. And God is still working in me.

We Have a Court Date

We met with the paralegal today and were given the official court date and time.

Friday, November 18 at 3:00

We praise God that it did not have to be pushed back anymore. Two more weeks and she is legally ours!!!

Thank you for praying!

Hoping for November 18

Well the last word on the finalization of "M" is that it will be on November 18. The time frame has changed a few times, once thinking this date but then given hope that it would happen before school started, then that changed to Sept/Oct. But now this is the date given. Or at least what they are striving for. I would love it if you would pray with us that it happens on that date and not pushed back. It may not seem like a big deal since we have her, but it does mean a lot to a little girl who knows that her last name is still different and legally still a foster child.

So please pray that it will happen on November 18th.

Two Kids

We are two kids down this week as Clay and Paige are in Williamsburg, VA with their grandma and aunt. They are learning lots about Colonial history and it sounds like they are having a grand time.

So it has been just the four of us this week. And wow! what a difference it makes. The first day was a bit of a struggle, I have to admit I missed the other two, it was so weird not having them around and knowing that they wouldn't be for a week. But then getting to focus on just the younger two has been so nice. We had a bumpy morning yesterday, the younger two didn't quite know what to do with themselves without their older ringleaders. But today has been filled with laughter and chatter between the two and I think they are enjoying their time quite well.

Now that the two kids are occupied with something, I thought I would update the blog a bit. I am not sure if anyone reads it anymore, updating it less than once a month does not help encourage people to follow, but for those of you faithful readers here is a nutshell of what has been going on in our lives.

After returning from our two and a half week trip out east, we finished up with school and were excited to bring on summer break. In June we had swim lessons a couple of times. A lady from our church offers swim lessons to our family at her home. It is great, as they kids can work on what they need help with and they get lots of individual attention. Their strokes are improving very well. The beginning of July, our college friends that live in the LA area visited for the Fourth of July. It was a great time with a couple trips up to the national parks, swimming, games and fireworks. Also this summer, the kids are in a reading program at the library, earning prizes and reading lots of books. The older two, especially Paige, concentrated on reading books about colonial times and Jamestown. This was to prepare herself for their big trip.

News on "M". We still haven't finalized and we still have no idea when that will be. Her social worker told the court November, then he told me he hoped before school started, then he said that wouldn't happen but hopefully soon after it starts. So I really have no idea when it will happen. Until there is a court date set, I am not going to get too excited. I feel like we are bonding better with her, but we still have a way to go. I hate to admit it, but she can still do things that just get under my skin, and I know that if it were one of the other kids it wouldn't bother me as much. But it is getting better. She is no longer in therapy, her therapist thought that she was doing well and didn't need it anymore. We have been working on her asthma. It is all new to us. I had asthma as a child, but hers seems to be different. We haven't had much trouble with it except on our trip which landed her in the hospital for 3 nights. Last month two women from the local hospital came and evaluated our home for possible triggers. They literally did the white glove check which was a bit embarrassing and stressful. And then gave me an action plan and came back two weeks later to make sure I made the changes and cleaned the way I should. "M" came with over 40 stuffed animals, I am not exaggerating. They said she needed to be limited to two animals. The other kids also needed to get rid of all but two a piece that way I could wash in hot water, dry and then put them in the freezer every other day for 24 hours. That was hard, especially for Drew as he told me he didn't like asthma. I let them keep 5 each, I couldn't do the 2 a piece, but I will try to stay on top of cleaning them. (just don't tell the hospital ladies!)

Drew completed his school testing. All of it just in time for them to hire a new special ed teacher that won't start until the beginning of the school year. So we really didn't get anything accomplished yet. We have had less raging, which is wonderful, though when he has raged the things he yells at me breaks my heart and can be a bit frightening. After he calms down he is a different kid again and you are thinking "what on earth just happened?" One of our biggest challenges is communication. Trying to figure out what he is saying can be close to impossible and frustrating for both us and him. It isn't understanding the words, sometimes that is a struggle, but after figuring them out he just doesn't make sense or we think he does and find that the words he is saying is not matching with what he means.

So anyway, those above are ways you can pray for us.

What If I've Done it All Wrong?

I read an article today by Lisa Qualls from One Thankful Mom. The article was called What If I've Done it All Wrong? It was a very encouraging article and if you've adopted children from hard places or if you know anyone who has and would like to understand them better, I encourage you to read it.

I have recently struggled with knowing the hard place that "M" came from and wanting so badly to help her heal. I have read books, watched videos, seen countless articles and been told what to do. As I read, I can see the struggles she has and know how I should react. But I don't react that way. If I looked in the mirror I would be horrified of the face that I am making, I wouldn't speak to a friend in that tone of voice. What happened to what I learned, to my plan on how to handle the lying, the authority struggle, the fussing? Where is the compassion that I thought I had when we began our pursuit of adopting from hard places? I am not helping her heal this way.

The article came at the perfect time. There is forgiveness. But I do need to do better. I covet your prayers for our family as we seek healing for "M". It can only come from God and we need his help.

We've Come a Long Way

Thank you to those that commented on my last post and shared that you were praying for us. That means so much to me.

I posted that Sunday morning. Around lunch time I was in the kitchen and "M" was listening to a CD in the adjoining room. The CD is one that the kids listened to ALL the time last summer. Once school started in the fall, we didn't hear so much and through winter and now spring, I don't recall the CD being played at all. So when she had the music going, it immediately took me back to last summer. I thought of the beginning days with "M" and the first couple of months. I realized how far we have come. How far God has brought us. We were in a valley last month, but looking back that valley wasn't as low as the valleys we were in at the beginning. It helped to look back and think of it as going through a mountain range. When you start you are low, but you climb, get to the top of a peak and then you will go down again, before you climb to get to the next. The next climb will take you to a peak a bit higher then the last. And so it goes. When you are in the middle of it you forget how far you have come. Sometimes you are in a valley and you look back at the last peak and get frustrated, but there is a bigger peak just ahead. I needed to remember that. We have come so far. She calls us mommy and daddy. Yesterday she gave Paige a card that said "I Love You". She is learning what it is like to be in a family. I see her as mine. We have come so far. I needed to be reminded that God is working. The next valley will still be hard, but I want to remember that the peak ahead will be worth the work and prayers.

Catching up

Well it is 9:30 Sunday morning. I should be at church, but I am home with two sick little girls. Not too sick, thankfully.

I just typed, "I haven't updated my blog for a while", then erased it because I feel like I start every post that way, but I guess that is usually how it is. I am not a very good blogger, one because writing isn't my favorite thing, two because I have kids and a husband and I homeschool, and lots of other projects that are always waiting to get done, so there goes my computer time. But I wouldn't have it any other way, it just means that I simply am not a very good blogger.

So anyway, here I am home when I usually am not. And because the girls aren't in too bad of shape (low fevers and sniffles) I decided I would take some time to bring everyone up to speed on our lives. There are some things that I have wanted to post for a while, but haven't for a variety of reasons.

The last month has been crazy with company. Since March 4th until April 1st we had overnight guests all but 3 nights. We have had missionaries, my mom and grandma and then my sister. In the middle of all of that I had strep throat, we have tried to continue on a schedule with school and we have had some parenting/child issues that have been a bit difficult. But now it is quiet. Don't get me wrong, we loved the company!

Now to be transparent. Two other big things that have been going on in our lives is just figuring out how to parent children from hard places. This last month has ended the honeymoon period with "M". We struggled with lying, framing siblings, and refusing to take discipline. Here is where we struggled with parenting. Figuring out what the root issues were, discipling when a sin, and showing unconditional love through it all. There were days when I couldn't believe anything she said and she didn't care. And how do you help siblings bond when they don't trust her because she lies to them too and she tries to get them in trouble. I had a conversation with Clay about showing Christ's love to her, but at the same time I am thinking it is natural consequences for her that he doesn't want to be around her. But still she is his sister. Thankfully the last couple of weeks have been better, not every word is a lie. It has been a good reminder to us that kids do not come from situations like hers and not have any affects. So we are trusting God and crying out to God that he would help us, giving us wisdom and love for her. A quote from The Christian Guide to The Connected Child says "the past affects the future...but it does not have to determine it." It is so good to know that God is with us and he can transform anyone. If you think of us you can pray for our family as we bond and help her heal and show her Christ. We are so thankful for "M" and do love her so much. Adoption isn't easy, but we have seen God work in our life through it. We also are constantly reminded about how hopeless we were before we were adopted into God's family.

The other big thing is Drew. To make this short and not turn into a book, I am going to summarize a lot of what has happened the last 5 1/2 years since we have had Drew. He is a lovable little boy, always has been. However he has always had a temper with a very short fuse. Sometimes we weren't even sure what set him off. When we first got him, we thought he was adjusting, then we thought terrible twos, then we thought because his speech was delayed he was frustrated because he couldn't communicate. He would scream and jump around, and slap himself. He broke his crib even. But as he got older it got worse. Even after he could talk, although he still has a hard time expressing himself. After Godly counsel and a lot of praying, we were still not making any progress. In fact as his vocab expanded, his screaming turned into yelling at me and now he wasn't hitting himself, he was hitting walls and kicking them. We were frustrated. Most people didn't see this. It didn't happen all the time, but when it did he would scream for hours, I am not kidding we left church with him screaming one day and he screamed until it was time for bed that night. I was told just let him scream, but now he is hitting and kicking and throwing things. Sometimes he will wake up like this and have no idea why. After he calms down, he is happy and he himself doesn't seem to understand why. To go along with this, we still had speech issues, coordination issues (although give him a ball and he is amazing, but he runs into everything and you have to watch your feet, because you will most definitely have your feet stepped on when he walks by). He also seemed delayed in learning things that I thought he should know. About a year and a half ago, I talked to a friend who had some similar issues with her adopted child. She asked some questions and gave her thoughts. The past few months we have seen some doctors and they believe based on his history of prenatal alcohol exposure that he has FAE (Fetal Alcohol Effects). I was told by a professional that we would most likely go through the grieving process once it was diagnosed. I can't say that I have, maybe because for over a year I was sure that is what it was and feel better now that I know that I am not crazy and now we have people that are willing to help us. We are working with the charter school he is in to test him and find out exactly where he is at with with learning, speech, and psychologically. We struggle with school. He loves it, but his brain is like swiss cheese sometimes the info is there and somethings it is in a hole. For several months he can count to twenty. But one week last semester he couldn't count past five for the whole week. Then the next week he was back where he left off. We are getting help but there is no cure for FAE, we believe he is mild (thank goodness). We have found some ways that help him when he rages here at home, but if we are in public we still don't know what to do besides leave and hopefully we aren't far from home because he is yelling and hitting the window of the van the whole way home. We still don't know how to prevent the rages.

This has been our life. I have debated about sharing these issues on the blog for quite a while, but of course never did until now. The bright side is that God is working, in our kids and in us. We love our kids and wouldn't change our decision to adopt them for a million dollars. But it isn't always easy. When I was pregnant with Paige and Clay, I made sure I did everything by the book so that they could have that advantage. I can't control what Drew's birthmom drank while he was in her womb. With Paige, Clay and even Drew after 7 months of age, we have loved them, showing them by hugging and kissing them, telling them and providing their needs and structure. "M" didn't have that. And there is nothing I can do about the past. But they are our children now and we will do our part in pointing them to Christ and trust God to do the rest.

Thanks for listening. Or reading rather. I share this so I can be a little more honest in what goes on in our home and some of the daily struggles we have and also to share the triumphs. And maybe you can pray for us when we come to your mind. I in no way intend to turn anyone off adopting. Rather I hope that you will see how much children need loving and committed parents to teach them the ways of the Lord. But it isn't easy. Worth it yes, so very worth it!

Not the news I wanted

I received a letter from our social worker a couple of days ago. She had talked to the social worker in charge of our finalization. She sent me a list of the paperwork that was left to be done and the date that the other social worker was giving the court for finalization. She told me earlier in the month that the dates he gives court are usually very accurate. So with anticipation I skimmed the form and found "date of finalization" which read: 11/19/11. Oh, my heart sank. I knew that it would not be early spring, but at least early summer! I haven't broken the news to "M" yet. She is so anxious to be adopted. I know that there will always be a bit of uneasiness until it is official. Why, oh why does it have to be that far away. The only thing left to do is his part which is a child study (whatever that is). But as I have heard before, there are others that have waited longer. At least we have her, so to me there really isn't going to be too much of a difference, but to her, it is a huge deal.

Empowered to Connect

One of my favorite blogs to read is one of person I do not personally know, but I sure feel like I do. She has adopted children from the "hard places", she homeschools, and she seeks to follow Christ is all she does. And she is very transparent in all of it. I have found great encouragement from reading her posts about how she is learning along the way. Anyway to get to my point. She (Lisa) posted today about a 1/2 off special on two Empowered to Connect conferences being held in Tennessee and Colorado. Empowered to Connect is a great adoption resource. Also a giveaway of one of Dr. Karyn Purvis' DVDs (from Empowered to Connect). Click here, to check out the giveaway and the 1/2 price on the conference. If you have adopted I really think you would love reading Lisa's blog.

Adoption Finalization Update

I have had a few people ask when we will finalize "M". I sure do wish I could tell you, but since I really don't know, I can't. What I do know is that we just met with one of our social workers. This social worker is the one that does our monthly visits and keeps in contact with us. She let me know that the social worker who is in charge of our homestudy and finalization has a list of families he is working on to finalize and we are #10 of 30. She was encouraged saying she thought that the families before us would finalize in the spring, so drawing conclusions maybe late spring or early summer. Here's hoping. It is a better projection than the last one which was by the end of 2011.

We aren't sitting around doing nothing though. If you have ever adopted, you know that sitting around and doing nothing is hard. We are getting new TB tests, getting our CPR up to date and getting statements of health for our other kids. The former two have or will soon expire, so it is nothing new to work on, just keeping current. The latter was a new thing to complete. When we were working with a private agency, I remember taking the CPR class for the second time in the process and feeling very discouraged. A year in and no prospect of a child. At least this time around we have our girl!

Rockin' Mama Challenge

I have posted before about the challenges in bonding with a child adopted at an older age. Bonding can happen, but it takes a lot of prayer, work, and time. I have come to realize that there is no way it will happen on its own. I love "M" dearly, but I still feel we have a ways to go with bonding and attachment. I know that I don't feel the same towards her as I do my other three. Two which I gave birth to and one that joined our family at 7 months through adoption. So I have been reading, trying to find a way to help the bonding a long. Anyway for a bit over a week now, I have been in the Rockin' Mama Challenge. That may sound a little weird to some, but let me explain. I have been reading a blog called A Bushel and a Peck. They have adopted a few of their children at an older age and from hard places. Different circumstances but much like "M". Anyway, the blog is very encouraging and recently Lisa shared with her readers the "Rockin Mama Challenge". Basically we are committing to rocking in a chair with our child for 15 minutes a day. "M" and I have established after lunch, during quiet reading time on school days to be our rocking time or as we call it snuggle time. Fifteen minutes is not easy. Usually during that time I finished the older two's school, cleaned up anything left over from lunch and caught up on computer stuff. Fifteen minutes of that time isn't easy to give up. And to be quite honest I wasn't sure if it would make a difference anyway. But let me tell you it has. For fifteen minutes we go up to the loft, we sit in a glider, no phone, no one else, just the two of us. We have a blanket to snuggle with and just rock (actually glide), we talk some, she likes me to tell her stories and we just spend time with each other. The first day, I would say was a bit awkward, but she loved it because she was asking about it the next day. So we decided to make a certain time for it. Otherwise I was afraid #1 it wouldn't happen if it wasn't scheduled and #2 I would get aggravated with her for asking all the time and that would defeat the purpose. By the second day she wasn't so stiff and the third she was totally relaxed. Anyway, if you happen to be working on attachment and bonding with one or more of your children or know anyone who is, the challenge in on my side bar or just click on the link I posted earlier. I do see a big difference in how I feel about her. I need time with her, to where she isn't fighting to be closer to me than Drew, or I am correcting her or trying to teach her something.

Before Our Trip Continues

I know that my story of our trip out East has taken a long time. I still have only covered the first stop of our multi-state excursion, and we have been home a month. But that month has been full, so here are just some random things going on in our lives...

1) Most of the first two weeks after we returned home was getting ready for school. As a Homeschool Mom, every year is different and new to me, but this year especially is new and different. First, the younger two joined a charter school. "M" had to in order for me to school her at home and Drew did because I thought I could use some help with him. So this involves learning a new system and having other people involved in the schooling. The benefits are a huge amount of resources and help if we need it. So we are testing the waters with it. I didn't want to enroll all kids before I knew what we were getting into. There are some potential down sides, so we will see. Another difference this year is I went from 2 students to 4. I am still getting use to arranging my day in order to have individual instruction time with each. It is a bonus that they are close in age (grades K, 1st, 2nd and 3rd), I have combined a few subjects.

2) We had "M's" birthday. She is now 6. So instead of two 5 year olds, we have two 6 year olds, atleast until the end of October when Clay will turn 7, then we will have every age between 5 and 8. Our family has a policy that you get a party on your odd birthday and do a fun family thing on your even birthday. However, this being "M's" first year with us, we decided to have a party. So we had a Mexican Fiesta. It was a bit of work, but I think all had fun. I think we had close to 20 kids.

3) School started. Of course that goes with #2. So far, so good. We are 2 weeks in, just 34 to go! No really, I am enjoying it, a lot.

Our family is still adjusting, although, I think we are adjusting well. A few weeks ago we had our monthly meeting with the social worker and I met with the CASA worker. It brought back the realization that "M" is still not legally ours. It is hard sometimes remember that. I can't imagine our family without her, we are to the point, that honestly it is hard to remember life with out her. So as you think of us, continue to pray. It isn't over until the adoption finalization, that could still be months. Well that is all for now, I think I will post some more vacation stuff.

I'm Still Here

I know that it has been a while since my last post. But there is a good reason. We've been gone, on a really long trip. 4500 miles of traveling in our minivan. So there really wasn't time to blog and several times I didn't have internet access anyways. The trip was great, though. Jathan named it our "Meet 'M' Tour". And boy did she meet a lot of people. We stopped in New Mexico to see friends that had relocated there from Indiana, stopped in Kansas to see Jathan's sister, Sullivan, IN to see my extended family including grandmas, cousins and aunts and uncles, then to Indy to see Jathan's parents and several of our Indiana friends. It was so nice! I will post more about the trip later along with some pictures.

I have to admit that I was a bit nervous before the drive. I loved traveling by car when I was growing up, and my dad and I drove across the country when he helped us move here, so I was so excited to take the kids on the trip and really see some of the country. Then I started thinking or rather realizing, traveling just me and Dad in a minivan is way different than Jathan and I with 4 kids. So the nerves got a little tight. But it went beautifully! Seriously, I really can't wait for another road trip. I have to share the beginning of our trip with you. We were just getting the final things packed in the minivan and the kids were dying to get in. I told them we would leave soon enough, to just get some more wiggles out, by the time it was time to go, they were already in their seats very excited. So then we were off. We hadn't even made it to the freeway, which is about a mile away, when Clay says from the back seat "I am really enjoying this trip" Jathan says, "Yes, the first two minutes have been great" then he turns to me and says "They have no idea what they are in for".

But seriously the best part of the trip is that after the start of the traveling "M" started calling us Mommy and Daddy all the time. I haven't heard Melissa from her since our first day of the trip when she called me that once in Albuquerque. That is such a praise. It may not sound like a big deal, but it helps the bonding so much!!! It wasn't always easy thinking of her as my daughter when she called me Melissa. So we are Mommy and Daddy all the time! She really did well. She didn't seem to get overwhelmed and as my grandma said, she seems to have been in the family forever. We are truly grateful.

Bonding

It is amazing what takes place between a mother and a child in those early stages. During the tough times of feeling like you are constantly feeding, carrying the child around and changing diapers, you wonder if it is ever going to end. But in the middle of all of that, you get those precious times of your baby looking up at you and smiling that first smile, or just feeling the warmth of their soft skin against you and you know that this is all part of that special bonding time. I am realizing though that even the middle of the night feedings and stinky diapers contribute to that relationship. They are completely dependent on you for each and every one of their needs to be met. There is nothing that they can do for themselves.

I didn't realize exactly how fortunate we were to get Drew in the first year of his life. I think I often focused on the fact that I got to see many of the firsts and there wouldn't be as many lost months or years to train him the way we felt he should be trained. But there was more to it. I got to sit still and feed him his bottle, I got to change those diapers to fulfill that need for him, and I got to carry him around on my back to sooth him so he could sleep for his nap. He was dependent on me (and Jathan) for all of his needs. And when he started to call me something, it was Mommy, or atleast an attempt. I can't say that the bonding happened immediately even with all of the above happening, but I know that was easier because of it.

At 5 years old, "M" is much more independent. Yes she needs us to have food, but she can find the snacks on her own. She wants to exercise her choices in what to eat and what to do with her free time. This is all natural, as they grow up they become less and less dependent on us. That is the way it is suppose to be. But, it seems different now, because I didn't have that opportunity to lay that foundation. Of course we are busy teaching her, but it is different now. I read once that adoption is hard because it is not natural. God didn't intend it to be this way. You think about it, we need adoption because of sin. Whether it is because of mistreatment, or an unwed mother, or even if it was because of death, that is because of sin. Maybe it was a natural cause, but we have death, because of sin. So it is unnatural, but it is real. And God can and is using His people to care for orphans. So I know that God will help in this bonding process with "M". So I am on my knees begging Him to help me with her. I love her, but I haven't bonded with her. Yet. I know that it will come. But many of the natural ways that God built into the family to bond are gone when you get a child at age 5. So it takes some extra work and lots of prayer.

I ask that you pray for our family during this transition time. We need your prayers that we would bond the way we should. I also ask that you pray that she would feel comfortable and begin to call us Mom and Dad. Maybe it doesn't seem like a big deal, but it is. And if you have experienced this, I would love to hear from you and how you bonded or even how your adopted child transitioned into calling you Mom or Dad.

I am ordering a book called The Connected Child, I am anxious to read it.

Checking In

I didn't intend to go 12 days without updating this blog. But due to a variety of reasons, one being that I can't seem to find 5 minutes to do anything except the absolute necessities, it has taken 12 days to update. I began this post this morning. And it is now 10 pm. And this is as far as I got. I imagine you are feeling very informed on what is going on in our household, huh? But that is life right now. So I will try to give a quick update.

We are doing well.
We are adjusting and I believe that it is going well.
It is going well, but it is still hard, harder on me than I thought it would be.
"M" seems happy, so I am grateful for that (and I know that parenting is NOT about making your kids happy, but I am glad that she is happy in our home).

You can continue to pray for
-adjusting
-discipline
-the affects that this addition has had on the other three kids
-all the extras that having a foster child brings (appointments, etc.)
-bonding
-family time and Mommy and Daddy time

Well like I said, it is 10 pm, and I think I am going to bed. We are going to the zoo tomorrow morning, and I have several things to do in the morning before we head out, so I need a bit of sleep.

Good night!

I'm Still Here

Just wanted you to know that I am still around, in case you were wondering.

There is so much to write, I really don't even know where to begin. And to even know what to share.

We are adjusting. It is taking work, but we are making it. I am very tired, physically and emotionally. But God is good.

I believe that the transition is going well. Adding a 5 year old with that many years of different upbringing and baggage, isn't easy, but I believe that God is giving us the grace that He knows we need. I am declaring my dependence on Him and He is faithful.

We would appreciate your prayers as you think of our new addition. Because of other things going on in our church, Jathan has been very busy. That has been difficult for me, but God knew what was going on when He timed it this way, and His timing is perfect.

"M" is Here!!!

The good news is "M" is here. We picked her up this morning, signed all the paperwork and then headed to Applebees for lunch. I wish I could post pictures, but I can't :(

The not so good news is in the 90 minutes we have been home I have interceded in several arguments, sent one child to his room which resulted in screaming and banging on the door (unfortunately this behavior isn't too uncommon from him) and have another that is upset with the two that are playing and is now in her room because she doesn't want to be with them. That leaves 2 left to play together, hopefully they are playing nicely.

I know that there are going to be disagreements between four children within a three year age span, but I am hoping that this is due to the unusual day and not going to be the norm.

Let's hope and pray!

Placement Info

Here is the official (unless it changes again) date and time for placement.

Tomorrow (Friday) at 10 am.

We will meet at the foster home, sign papers and "M" will come home with us. This time I won't have to take her back!!!

This is a quick update cause I have lots to do today, because tomorrow we will be a family of 6!