Would I do it again?

Looking back at my most recent posts, I realized that I have pretty much only posted on the hard days and moments. That will change, because yes we have hard days/weeks/months, but we also have many days of peace. So I want to reflect on this blog what life is really like here.

Now back to my question "Would I do it again?" Adopting is what I am talking about. And before I go into the long answer of explaining why I write some of the things I do, I want to answer it. YES, most definitely YES. I would do it all over again, I do not, or I should say, we do not regret it!

Why do I share the hard times on the blog?

#1 So you can pray for us. It is a reality that there are days that are pretty hard.

#2 Because I know that there are people reading this that have adopted, and I would love them to know that they are not alone, or the only ones. When we adopted Drew, the first few weeks went pretty well. We were excited, we had anticipated bringing him home for some time. But after a couple of weeks, I started to not like him. I remember thinking that if someone took him from me I wouldn't be too upset about it. I felt absolutely horrible that I could have feelings like that. I told a couple of people (ones that hadn't adopted) about it and they reassured me that they had feelings like about their birth children. It really didn't help, because it was a strong feeling and I never felt that way about Paige or Clay so why him? Would I be able to love him like I did them? But one day, Jathan was talking to another adoptive father and mentioned my feelings to him and the father said his wife had felt the same way about their child, but the feelings changed. That to me was encouraging. It isn't easy to say some of these things publicly, but I hope that by doing so it might be just what another adoptive mom or dad needed to hear.

#3 Because I want people who are considering adopting to see the reality. Not everyone's experience is the same as mine. I know that. But many times we only share how wonderful things are as new adoptive parents. We do not want to admit some of the horrible thoughts we have had. Or how hard some things are because we choose this and we should have known. Or we don't want to discourage others from adopting, because this is a good thing. But I want people to be aware and prepared. I hope that it doesn't discourage anyone from adopting, but the opposite. Maybe you will see how much these children need loving, stable homes. Just be prepared so you can get help if and when you need it. And remember if you are called to adopt, God will be right there too!

#4 Because if you as the reader of this blog, do not fit into either #2 or #3, then you probably know or will know someone who has adopted. And wouldn't it be great if you knew a little more about what they might be experiencing? You may not completely understand, but at least you can acknowledge that you know things may not be all magical and feeling happy ever after as soon as they come home.

But back to my question, again. Yes, I would do it again. Drew and MacKenzie are my children as much as Paige and Clay are. I cannot imagine life without them. The hard days remind me that this is what it is all about. You wouldn't believe how much more dependent on God I am now then I was prior to the wonderful day in October of 2005, on the other side of the world, when I held Drew for the first time in my arms. I have been brought to my knees calling out to him because I know that we cannot do this without him. There is no way we could. And you know what? Adoption isn't the only thing we can't do without him. Parenting any child whether that child came from your body or by adoption. We need Him! God has also shown me so many of my sins, it has been painful at times, but I am so glad that he is constantly refining me through this.

I thank God for my kids. No matter what way they joined our family.

So how was Drew's day today, you may ask? Well, our neighbor kids are over right now. The kids have been running around outside, inside, everywhere. Jumped on the trampoline, picnicked on the front lawn, pretended to be about everything in the book in their make believe world. Lots of laughter. So today is a happy day. I thank God, not just for me but for Drew.

Not for the Faint of Heart

That is how I would describe adoption. I want to write a longer post on this soon, but right now, all I can do is remind myself that it isn't for the faint of heart. But my heart is not alone. God called us to this and He has not left us alone.

He

is

with

me

Every. Single. Moment.

Right now my son is screaming in the other room that he wants his Korean family. He says I don't care about him, etc, etc.

I know he doesn't mean it.

It will end like it always does with tears. He will want me to hold him.

But even though I know that. And I know that he is not in his right mind right now.

It still hurts at this moment.

But I am going to choose to turn to the one who heals the broken hearted. Because though it hurts, he is working in me through this.

I thank God for that.

Life in My Body is Hard

This morning didn't start how I had hoped. Last week was harder with Drew. Not the worst week by any means, but hard. We were discouraged thinking about the medicine and how long this bad spell was this going to last this time. Though last night I counted 5 days of no screaming. This week was different than the last, so much better. But then the morning began with screaming.

After time spent using all my learned tactics on how to calm a raging child, I was ready to throw in the towel. Thankfully Jathan was about to leave but hadn't yet. If it is only a 5 minute break, it still helps. So he stepped in, allowed me to breath for 5 minutes, then he had to leave.

I stepped up again.

Finally, Drew settled down and instead of screaming mad, he cried sad.

I held him.

We took relaxing breaths.

Then he says in a defeated tone

"life in my body is hard".

Heart breaks

I try to empathize with him, encourage him, point him to Jesus, assure him of our love for him, remind him he is not alone.

But I don't totally understand. He knows it, he sees my frustration.

Life is hard inside his body.

A Breath of Fresh Air

Today is an absolutely beautiful day. The sun is shining. The air is not hot and not cold, just right. The birds are chirping.

So the doors and the windows are wide open. The kids are on the patio playing. I won't allow them in the house. Days like this should not be wasted shut up inside.

It is refreshing to breath the fresh air.

Thank you God! I needed an afternoon like this.

Legoland California

Legos are a huge thing at our house. An activity that I happily support. You can't go anywhere in our house without finding a Lego piece. Hopefully you didn't step on it barefoot! The Lego magazine was introduced just over a year ago, as well as Lego.com. What a marketing genius. With the magazine came the realization that Legoland is not that far away and even better each issue has a free child ticket with the purchase of an adult full price ticket! The wheels had been turning in their heads on how we can use these free tickets since the children outnumber the adults. But they didn't have to figure for too long because in November, Grandma told them that their Christmas gift was to spend a week down in Carlsbad visiting Legoland. This was a dream come true.

So last month, mom and I drove the kids down (Jathan was able to join us for a couple of days). We spent 3 days at Legoland, a day at the beach and a day swimming in the pool. We had a condo with plenty of space + a kitchen. We had a great time.

I have to admit leading up to the trip I was a bit nervous because we had struggled so much with Drew on past trips. The meds seem to help him, but still you just never know. We packed a stroller to carry water bottles, snacks and lunch. And to carry Drew. He will be 7 next month, and looked way too big for the stroller, but you know what? It helped a huge amount. He cannot distract himself, so when he is tired of walking, that's it. He won't walk anymore without a fight. It doesn't matter what exciting thing we are headed to, he cannot concentrate on anything but how tired he is of walking. So into the stroller he went. I battled in my mind thinking "he is almost 7, we are not asking much of him" "He can physically do this, there is no reason he has to be in the stroller" "Are we making it worse by enabling him?" But at the end of the day, we had a peaceful time at Legoland. So, all I could say is we did what we needed to do to make this a pleasant trip. And it was!

Monday, the day Jathan joined us at Legoland was a rainy day. We got wet, but we only had to share the park with 500 people. That made up for the rain.

Slowing Down

Sometimes I think the key to surviving being a mother, wife, teacher, (pick any other title that applies) is the ability to multitask and squeeze things into tiny time slots. And some days it is true. Many things would never get accomplished if I didn't. Would I ever get any laundry done?

But I have been reminded lately, that maybe that isn't always the best way. Especially squeezing things in. I can't even count the times we had some place to go, I looked at the clock and saw we still had 5 or 10 minutes before we needed to leave, so I picked a "quick" task to do. To me, it just makes sense. I mean, not doing anything for that 5-10 minutes would be a waste. Right? But 9 times out of 10, that 10 minute project really took 11 minutes, now we are late and you know how the story goes. I'm stressed. I'm yelling at the kids to get in the car, and they never get in as quickly as I would like. So now I am really stressed. I am yelling at the driver in front of me because he actually made a complete stop at the stop sign. (ok maybe I am only muttering under my breath, but you better believe the kids in the back heard) I know my blood pressure is on the rise, but my testimony just plummeted.

I don't know if any of you struggle with this. But I have found that when I am trying so hard to be efficient, I often times am not a very nice person. And it is my family, most always my kids, who pay the price. I am yelling at them to hurry, I say "no you can't help with dinner, because we have to get it ready quick", etc.

I have to slow down. Do I really need to do everything on my "to do list" right now? Is it really more important than being calm and nice with my kids? More important than having time to stop what I am doing to listen to what they are saying?

Now I know that there are times when you have to get things done. And sometimes you have to multitask while your kids are talking because, lets face it, some kids will talk all the time (which isn't a bad thing) and if you have multiple kids, you would be stopping and listening all the time and never feed the family.

MacKenzie loves the kitchen. I am ashamed to say I have denied her request to help me prepare dinner countless times recently. I have lost sight of what my job raising her is really about. I can justify that it takes so much longer than if I just get it done myself. But what am I doing? Is my only goal that her tummy is full or is it to train her so some day she will be able to put a meal on the table for her family?

Thursday night, all the kids helped in some way with dinner. Whether it was food prep or clearing and setting the table. Did it take longer? Oh I am sure. Drew missed the bowl when breaking open an egg, the whole thing was on the floor. Paige was pretending she was on a cooking show, describing in detail every single thing she did and why. But that is not all, we ended up with a wonderful meal, time together, proud kids and full tummies.

I don't know why I have to learn this lesson over and over. Maybe if I slowed down I wouldn't have to.

100 Days Survived

Today we celebrated the one hundredth school day of the '11-'12 school year. Generally the only reason to keep track is in case a social worker comes to the door and asks for school records. Because really when you school at home or where ever you find yourself, you realize that learning can take place without a math worksheet sitting at the table. But for record keeping purposes, I keep a calendar of the days between fall and spring that we do sit at the table with a math worksheet.

Until recently, however, those numbers were not posted for the students to see. This year is different. Drew's special ed coordinator recommended us count days using numbers and coins. The thought is to help him see the numbers increase and see a value for the number. Also to see the value of 10 pennies equaling 1 dime and now 10 dimes equaling 1 dollar. I told the kids at the beginning of the school year, we would celebrate the 100th day. I wasn't really sure how, but I said we would do something different.

As the day approached the questions started increasing about what we would do. One child (Clay) said that maybe we wouldn't have school that day. Another (Paige) responded that if we didn't have school then it wouldn't be the 100th day. That would be a dilemma. hmm. So we settled for no chores (so the house isn't looking the greatest right now, but oh well), a special snack, the bare essentials of subjects (everyone had their math worksheet to do of course) and games. Several games.

I got a chuckle at lunch when MacKenzie prayed for the meal and thanked God for allowing us to survive 100 days. Yes, we did survive. And yes, we still have quite a few more days before we can call it a school year and put away the calendar. But we are over half way there!